In another moment down went Alice after it, never once considering how in the world she was to get out again.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Knee Injury

I've sprained my knee... possibly a torn ligament but I don't think it's that bad. So much for weekend plans, or weekday plans either.

Basically, it was Body Combat. There was this lunging/stepping forward punch which looked pretty weird to me. Basically I stomped too hard and my knee gave way under the impact. Down I went, landing on my elbow badly too. Hmph.

Janvier was with me at the time, so he took the trouble of bringing me home and calling his bf 'the chief' in to help with the transport. Really appreciate their help in my time of need... and pain. Thank you so much guys! Don't know what I'd do without you.

Much hopping ensued. Think my left leg and hand are going to become really strong from all the hopping and supporting.

I'm pretty stuck in the house now - can't even manage crutches since my right elbow can't really manage them either.

Well, here's to Earth Hour.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

In sickness and health

"One out of ten???"

My friend nodded.

Friend: That's according to UN statistics, based on hospital records. For gay men in Thailand, it's about one in every three gay men.

Me: That's stupendously high! Ridiculous! We're in South East Asia, not Nigeria, okay?

Friend: Actually I think its higher. A lot of them are too scared to go for blood test or have other reasons not to test. Can't be bothered.

Me: I just can't imagine one in every ten gay men having HIV.

Friend: Believe it. I'm sure some of your friends have also.

Me: Erm... no. I really don't think so.

Friend: Not sexually active meh? If they're faithful also, could be they got it from their previous partner who is sexually active, or previously they are sexually active.

Me: Hmmmph. (Name)'s boyfriend lost his virginity to him... so did (name)'s boyfriend...

Friend: ...okay, maybe not.


A very morbid conversation (and blog post), to be sure. According to this guy I was talking to, his friends apparently are all in danger from getting HIV due to sexual lifestyle (or from sexual lifestyle of bfs). But they're afraid to go for blood testing.

Friend: Because if you go for the blood test and it turns out positive, you can't go on living the same way. So better if you don't know.

Me: ...what a way to view it.

And why do I get this feeling I live in a different world from this particular friend, even though we're both gay? More importantly... how long will this separation last?

As long as possible, I hope. I don't want to fear that myself or my friends are constantly in danger.


Speaking of which, I've mentioned that I was a Hepatitis B carrier before. I've had it since I was very young (at least 5 years old)... my father contracted it first and somehow I got it too. Knowing him, he probably got it from a hooker either in Thailand or KL. (Yes, seriously.) He's dying from liver cancer now though, no doubt due to the Hep B virus.

I pretty much share the same type of physical body as my father - body shape and features are practically the same. The Hep B cell count in my blood is helluva high too. 40, 000 cells per mL of blood is considered high apparently... but I've got 6 millions Hep B cells per mL of my blood.

Oh yeah, it doesn't look good.

So I'm quite aware that I'm likely to go the way of my father in the future, i.e. liver cancer. Heck, if my body decided to kill all the Hep B cells in one go, 6 millions cells per mL sounds like it's enough to give me liver failure like Kugan. But I'm no doctor.

Lately I thought about it because the same friend I mentioned earlier commented that I may have poor stamina at gym and leg cramp cos of diabetes or similar reasons. I immediately though of the Hep B cells. I suppose feeding that much Hep B cells can't be too good for me, even though my liver hasn't started taking damage yet. Which also means that I can't take medicine yet because my body hasn't started to fight it off. I think....the doctors' explaination was semi-conflicting.

Body Pump yesterday was pretty tough. >.< I'm not sore today though - just that I tire easily. Hrmmmm.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Great Expectations...or not.


Seems like my last post has sparked some sort of...interest? Conflict? Confusion? Let me explain myself.

Of course, I don't really have 'great expectations' of my future boyfriend. More accurately, I have almost no expectations at all which I've come to realize may be on the other extreme. As in "aaaanyone will do for me".... obviously that's no good either, right?

Let me put it in another way.

What do you think will make your future relationship work? (Focusing on qualities your partner has)

Even the very basic stuff like genuine love are a valid answer. Because everyone's definition of love is a little different, and you can't take love for granted. No, really you can't. What does love mean to each of us, really? How much attention? How much selflessness? How much care? I knew a man whose definition of his love for people (and how he shows it) was very different from what his definition of how people should love him.

Spoken or unspoken, expectations of love exist.

In fact, I'm trying to think through all the very basic things that make a relationship work, from the perspective of what qualities I want to build in myself as well as see in my future partner to be.

"Now, I return to this young fellow. And the communication I have got to make is, that he has great expectations." - Great Expectations, Charles Dickens

The typical gay man in Malaysia starts dating other men much later than straight couples (failed experiments with girls don't count, sorry!). Often when we first become financially independent. At that point, the issue of sex has already entered the equation. Where as people who date during their teens (who have obediently staved off sex) have to concentrate a lot more on the person rather than how good the sex was.

I mean, how often do you hear teenagers say that sex is the most important factor of a relationship?

I believe I've made this point before; typically gay men have less experience in relationships. I'm no exception - right now I'm trying to figure how to differentiate people I should pass on and those I should keep?

"Aaaaaaaaanyone will do for me" isn't a good approach, okay?

Let's not over-romanticize; not everyone is a good match for each other. It may be a good idea to recognize who we are, who would like to be with us and who we would like to be with.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Great Expectations

This is the BIG AND GRAND TOPIC. Oh yes. In caps no less, lol.

This is the blog post where I ask myself and ask you the reader:

What qualities do you want in your life partner?

(Recommended for singles only! Trust me, stay awaaaay from this blog topic if you're already happily attached. Don't say I didn't warn you.)

This topic's been mulling in my head for awhile now, and Derek's last post made me decide that I had to blog about it now and not later, even though my own thoughts on the matter are not settled yet. (Which means there's guaranteed to be a "Great Expectations II" post)

Right now I'm pretty happy just making friends. I've sort of come to the conclusion that I want to be a stable and happy single until I know what I want and meet someone suitable. So there's two parts to that; the fact that I want to get myself in order before making room for someone else in my life and the fact I'm not prepared to find a lover by virtue of not knowing what to look for. The second part is something that needs to be fixed soon as I'm reaching my 30-ies soon and don't really have enough experience in relationships yet to know what's needed to make a relationship work... with me.

Heck, I'm listing this topic as sooooo important that it gets it's own label.

So, what do I want exactly?...



I can't think of anything.

This topic is making my head feel like it's caving in and I'm tired from working til 11pm, so I'm going to give it some more thought and come back to it later. Prepare your answers for the second topic, readers!


Friend: So what did you see in this last guy you were interested in, anyway?
Me: Huh? He seemed nice?
Friend: Seemed nice is a copout. When I met (name here) I knew I liked his (specific examples here). So what did you see in that guy?
Me: Er...
Me: (I honestly don't know.)


Sherlock Holmes seemed delighted at the idea of sharing his rooms with me. "I have my eye on a suite in Baker Street," he said, "which would suit us down to the ground. You don't mind the smell of strong tobacco, I hope?"

"I always smoke 'ship's' myself," I answered.

"That's good enough. I generally have chemicals about, and occasionally do experiments. Would that annoy you?"

"By no means."

"Let me see--what are my other shortcomings. I get in the dumps at times, and don't open my mouth for days on end. You must not think I am sulky when I do that. Just let me alone, and I'll soon be right. What have you to confess now? It's just as well for two fellows to know the worst of one another before they begin to live together."

I laughed at this cross-examination. "I keep a bull pup," I said, "and I object to rows because my nerves are shaken, and I get up at all sorts of ungodly hours, and I am extremely lazy. I have another set of vices when I'm well, but those are the principal ones at present."

"Do you include violin-playing in your category of rows?" he asked, anxiously.

"It depends on the player," I answered. "A well-played violin is a treat
for the gods--a badly-played one----"

"Oh, that's all right," he cried, with a merry laugh. "I think we may consider the thing as settled--that is, if the rooms are agreeable to you."

- A Study In Scarlet, by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Going for a song

I've been subjecting myself to the whims and fancies of Malaysian radio for a while now, as I've been using my mum's car since the car crash. It only has one slot for cds as compared to the multislot thing I have in the boot of my last car which lets me switch cds easily.

Did anyone notice that Malaysian radio stations play the same songs over and over and over again? I mean they always used to do that to some extent but nowadays you can expect to hear Taylor Swift's "Love Story" playing on 4 stations at the same time ever so often. Don't get me started on Rihanna - I made the big mistake of buying her cd only to find that the songs I want to hear are already overplayed on radio anyway. The stations are apparently too cheapskate to pay royalties for a bigger mix of songs and instead settle for getting a few 'hits' and playing them way past the point where people get sick of them.

So, what to do? Burn my own cd of course! Been awhile since I did that though. Back in high school I used to record songs on tape, and believe it or not my selections were so diverse and popular that my friends even asked me to choose songs and record compilations for them. But that was a long time ago when I had the time and interest to watch a great deal of MTV and Channel V on Astro.

Which means that most of the songs I want to burn are actually... not very fresh. Oh well! Here's the list of songs for my first music cd burning;

1. Catch, Kosheen

2. Jesus bleibet meine Freude, Richard Clayderman
(Not really the version I wanted...poor choice)

3. Breathless, the Corrs
(To me, it's the BFF theme song. Yeah, this song reminds me of you guys.)

4. Ozar Midrashim, by Information Society
(As heard in Soul Reaver. The tone of this track captures the betrayal, despair and feel of the world of Nosgoth, of an anti-hero seeking vengence.)

5. That's not my name, the Ting Tings
(Thanks to JL for introing to this great band!)

6. Tsuki no Mayu, Yoko Kanno
(from Turn A Gundam)

7. Lollipop, by Mika
(Tee hee.)

8. Feels like Falling, Mei Chern
(SUPERB Malaysian artist, go and listen to her now!)

9. Inner Universe, Yoko Anno
(from Ghost in the Shell)

10. Freshmen, the Verve Pipe

11. Leon's theme, Michuru Yamane
(from Castlevania, Lament of Innocence)

12. Poker Face, Lady Gaga

13. I saved the world today, Eurythmics

14. The Ballad of Tom Jones, Space and Cerys Matthews
(thanks Froggy!)

15. Rotterdam, the Beautiful South

16. Devotion, Tracy Chapman

17. Head over Heels, Alanis Morrisette

18. Still Alive, Lisa Miskovsky (Teddybears mix)
(If only clubs would play this song sometimes)

19. Rei I
(Rei Ayanami's theme from Neon Genesis Evangelion.)

Used Roxette's style of alternating slow ballads type songs with fast, songs. It works pretty well, keeps the mood of the songs fresh.


I'm still trying to find some other songs though, lost since long ago;

1. Counting Blue Cars, Dishwalla
2. Stay (at home, at work, at play), Ann Louise (from the album Wonder Wheel)
3. Attack of the Killer Tomatoes (intro song)
4. Little Bunny Hop Hop Hop, PDQ Bach

Found a vid for that last one.=:3

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Gym daze II

So I went to the gym.

Mind you, I've been to gyms before. Back at Melaka there was this old gym run by Gan Boon Leong himself. That's a small little gym with some facilities and a cheap membership/entrance fee.

The large gyms in KL are a completely different cup of tea, as you well know. For one thing, the gyms are huge and sprawling with facilities of every kind (except a punching bag) all over the place. Pretty lucrative business. That and these gyms conduct aerobic classes of all kinds. These include Body Jam, Body Combat, Body Step, Body Pump... wait, Body what???

You want me to lift this to the tune "All Things (Just Keep Getting Better)" by Widelife? Isn't that a weeeee bit extreme?

"Pump" in a gym context normally refers to pushing barbells and heavy weights. So the name Body Pump refers to ...musical weight lifting?

Me: So you lift weights to the music?
Jr.: Yes.
Me: Like aerobics workouts, but with heavy weights?
Jr.: Why not?
Me: Am I the only person who sees something wrong with that???

Well, I did it anyway. And yes, it was weight lifting with music, though thankfully Jr. had the sense to give me only 2.5 kg weights on each end of the rod, while he used 5kg weights himself.

(Honestly, it feels kind of embarrassing when someone smaller than you lifts double your weights. No offense, Jr.! )

What was it like? A real work out, surely. But it was the reverse of everything I've heard about how to gain muscle mass. Wasn't it supposed to be few repetitions with heavy weights, not many many maaaaaany repetitions with light weights? And why the heck was the music so, er, 'gay' in taste?

Kind of interesting and fun though, I admit. I had to watch myself as due to the aerobic nature of the workout I was in danger of getting dizzy more than muscle strain. When that happens in full swing, it takes *hours* to shake off. Fortunately, due to experience with that sort of thing I warned Jr. beforehand and he sent me away for a much needed sugar-filled drink of ice lemon tea before continuing.

So I survived my first Body Pump class! Whoohoo! Thanks to Jr. and his bf for inviting me and watching out for me throughout the class.

Pity they don't have punching bags though.


For information on some research on the efficacy of Body Pump, check out this article.

Basically, it appears to be a great way to build muscle endurance, but you don't really expect to see fast gains in muscle mass if you're already quite fit (which I'm not). Interestingly, you stand to lose more fat through Body Pump than the other regimes like Body Jam, Step and Attack and Combat.

There's no doubting it's a good workout for beginners like me though.


*You know your perspective has changed when you start using 'gay' as an adjective in reference to 'gay culture'.

Thursday, March 05, 2009


Driving a new car (or rather, a borrowed car) takes a bit of getting used to. Yeah, I'm using my mum's wheels to get around. One thing I noticed is that the steering wheel is a lot more sensitive. A slight variation in the road surface seems to trigger a strong reaction in the wheel... stronger than my last car anyway.

...or is it that I've become more sensitive?

A part of me is wondering if my last major accident was really the fault of the car (being a twice crashed car), or sheer carelessness on my part on a wet road. I don't think it's the latter, but it if is then I messed up in the worst way possible. Hardly reassuring.

Whatever it is, I'm driving with a bit more trepidation. A bit more care. A bit more aware of my surroundings, about how the car is moving and how the steering wheel feels.

I guess that's a good thing - better now than suffer later.

Wednesday, March 04, 2009

You know you need more exercise when... the morning, you get cramps in the foot that steps on the accelerator. Yes, that muscle group.

You've got to be kidding me. THIS is what's making my foot cramp???

So... gym, anyone?