In another moment down went Alice after it, never once considering how in the world she was to get out again.

Saturday, January 31, 2009

Freedom to hang out (or 3 thoughts about cliques)

This happened a long time ago, at a party I hosted at my house for ALL the students for a very very popular tuition teacher. Hardly knew a great deal of the people there (different classes).

Halfway during the party, a girl asked me, "Why aren't you sitting with your friends?"

She had gestured towards the row of 'nerds' from my class. Now, I hardly knew this girl though she apparently knew my name (I generally don't remember girl's faces well - no interest). The 'nerds' were pleasant fellows who I got on with fairly well, and I then realized they were hardly moving from their spot.

"Why sit when I can walk around to talk to everyone? I'm not stuck to a certain group of friends you know."

She looked skeptical. I vaguely remember being annoyed, since it was obvious she had classified me as "nerd" material hence I belonged in the "nerd" clique.

"I'm a floater. Not attached to any cliques. Floats between them. Got it?"

Not to say I went out all that often those days. But whatever.

I doubt the girl was convinced with my explanation. I don't really wonder how she came to her conclusions that I belonged with the "nerds"(I'm quiet, wear specs, good at studies and almost never talk to girls). What did bother me was the fact that she seemed to think that I was being disloyal to my clique - not admitting they were my clique in front of a girl because they were "nerds".

Which begs a point about her concept of cliques. According to her logic, I should be loyally sitting in one spot with my own clique of friends. As if it was an unwritten rule that you must stay in your own clique, since being "nerds" all they had was each other. For this to be true, the different cliques apparently have impenetrable barriers between them which must never be crossed. No intermingling between cliques should take place, especially if you're a nerd.

As if friendships are exclusive! Sheesh. Just as well I'm not interested in girls.


Not long ago, a friend lamented that someone isn't hanging out with us anymore and spends more time with another group of friends.

"That's okay. It's not like we're not still friends with him."

He felt as if we had been abandoned.

"No lah. Sometimes he spends time with us also. Maybe he's more comfortable with them or has reasons why he wants to spend more time with them. I can see plenty of reasons why, and none of the reasons are anything personal. He doesn't owe us anything, so he's free to find the most happiness in life."

Some reasons why some friends may be nicer to hang out with; same 'wavelength', same preferred language, same interests, same beliefs, same culture... the list is endless. And most of the reasons are nothing personal.


Let me propose a theoretical situation. (No, it's not real)

Let's say John and Harry are Christian PLUs. They go to church together, and talk about faith issues together as gay men.

John and another friend, Mike, enjoy watching Anime. Their favourite activity together is to go to animecons and talk about their favourite shows, especially the shonen-ai. (Mike is also gay)

Mike and Harry however, do not get along. Let's say it's because the two just broke up. And now they're starting to get annoyed with John that he also chooses to hang out with their ex as well.

Should John have to choose between his two friends? Do Mike and Harry have a right to ask him to choose one friend or the other?

I hope I'll never need to be in such a situation as John.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Too much gambling? & Words speak louder than actions?

I don't actually enjoy gambling. Games like blackjack and 'in-between' are favorites among my old high school friends, and when we gather at each others' houses we're certain to play either one or the other. These two games require very little skill and a lot of lady luck, generally speaking. I try my best to count cards but they put in house rule after the other so that its more and more luck based. (As you've likely guessed by now, I made a net loss)

So why have I spent sooooo much time gambling this time around? I must have spent as much time gambling as I have been eating Chinese dinners, and I can assure you I'm already sick of Chinese dinners! Fortunately I haven't been losing too much due to moderate bets.

Truth be told, I just want to stay in the presence of my old friends from high school. I hardly call them out at any other time of the year - in part because they don't speak English much whenever they gather. You could say I've been trained to be quiet at gatherings from primary school because everyone is speaking in Mandarin or Hokkien. it gets boring.

But I guess by just being there I'm trying to show in my own way that I still want to be friends, no matter the differences or distances. We grew up together, after all.


I think I'm starting to see a pattern in my own behaviour. (I generally understand myself and people through patterns of behaviour) Being generally un-expressive and (let's face it) boring, I don't really have any good means to make myself *interesting* and attractive. I think that the only means I express my is through actions. Sure actions speak louder (or more truthfully at least) than words, but I have only actions and very little in the form of 'words' or other forms of expressions. I don't have the qualities that make people immediately open up to me, or take more interest in me. So I rely on doing things or making sacrifices to show my sincerity.

I think Alex and Paul would know a bit about that. >.>

I think this was true in my last relationship. (Sorry Shane! I'm not making negative comments about you, but saying something about myself.) While I was trying to show my sincerity through my actions, I sometimes wondered if I was truly loved for who I was rather for what I did. There was often someone else who drew more attention, someone more interesting and exciting than me. I'm not the jealous sort so I didn't mind that much (I'm surprised too) - I had eventually figured that it didn't matter because he would come back to me in the end. But there were times it did hurt. Because I think it was me who wasn't interesting enough.

"I kind of see what you saw in Shane. He's so much fun," my mum had said.

Somebody asked me what I saw in a person I was interested in. The bigger question is, what do I hope people to see in me to be interested in me? I know I can pull my own weight in a relationship, so to speak. I've proven it to myself. But it seems that isn't enough.

This appears to be another reason to the feeling of doom I've had since the day I decided to look for a male partner; that fear of being alone in the end.

It's late. Time to sleep.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

In case I forgot anyone...


It's the year of the Ox - hopefully that and Obama-mania can minimize the effect of the anticipated recession and give you good fortune!



Right after writing that I realized it wasn't very encouraging. @.@ Let's try that again.


This new year, may you get lots of Ang Pau from all your married relatives and friends! Tip: If they ask you about girlfriends or getting married, tell them you just broke up. Shuts them up immediately! ;)

Omigawd! I'm so sorry I asked, can we change topics?

Friday, January 23, 2009


Hrm. I have the feeling as if my skills in my field of work are getting a bit rusty. Lecturing is getting a bit tedious too. Maybe its lecturing from other people's notes that feel too general and not useful. Maybe its the fact that I'm lecturing in BM. Or, more likely, it's the after effects of disillusionment with the Malaysian university culture. I mean everyone knows its bad, but to see first hand just *how* bad it is kind of upset me I think.

I think the culture shock has effected my will to work. Perhaps I should have just concentrated on my own studies and not even taken the stupid job, contractual or not. But it's a little late for that now.

Maybe talking to the people I look up to in the field will cheer me up. I don't know.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

A conversation

Xavier: are u getting yourself out there in the field??
go get to know more
dont just see the next one and focus

me: kakah

Xavier: see the next 10 then select
then focus

me: you're right of course
i think i'm moving on anyway

Xavier: it just sounded like u are focusing on the next one in line
which is no no NO

me: you're right again
(It's good to have friends who point out where you're going wrong, isn't it?)

the good one comes along
by itself

(Do they really? Do I really believe that?

At the back of my mind, there lingers doubt if I'll ever find my mate. Doomed to be alone; a curse for jumping down the rabbit hole. For choosing to abandon the faith which I served for so long.

This is fear. I'm not desperate anymore, really I'm not. I don't really depend on someone else to bring me happiness. I'm quite happy being alone right now, even if the house is a bit lonely at times. But I am afraid. I don't need someone right now, but I don't want to be alone at the end of the day. That wouldn't justify the sacrifices made and the pain of such irony would be too great.

And that fear is driving my heart.)

me: i think you hit it on the nail

Xavier: i tend to be direct

me: yeah, thanks

Xavier: thanks to unstable internet lines partly

me: i needed that
i'll spread my friendship net wide
and make fren fren only

Xavier: dont limit, as in dont say htis must be fren\
this must be love
get to know a person as a person
what comes naturally will be sweet
serious sweet

me: orrrrrrrrh
okay okay

Xavier: interest will gather the right people
habits will either repel or attract even more
then the courtship will start by itself
THAT's the more FUN part of it~~~

me: alright...
i think
let's let that sink in awhile...

Xavier: yes, it needs to time sink it
and u may know it in the brain, it's getting the heart to trust that
that's the toughy

Guilty as charged.

The plan has alllllways been to make friends, then let relationships come naturally. Can't have too many friends, so its a win-win strategy. But Xavier had to remind me not to jump on the nearest semi-interesting fellow that came my way.

...isn't that how my last relationship started? I jumped in without getting to know the person as a friend first?

Geez. You'd think I'd learn not to do that by now. I guess some lessons take awhile to learn.
So right. Time to tame the hungry heart. Just be more social, talk to more people. Forget about 'finding' love - let it come to me.

This could take a while to sink in. I've got some idea how to go about this, but could be tricky.

Time will tell.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Year of break-ups?

"It's normal for a relationship to last only 2-3 years"

The context was past relationships, talking with a certain 37-year old doctor whom I haven't figured a pseudoname for on this blog yet. (I'm not even sure why I bother making them up sometimes. Oh well, gotta give those stalker-type people some challenge, right?)

Huh. My own past relationship lasted that long. As a matter of fact, I remember reading somewhere that romantic love aka chemistry aka effect of hormones dies out after 1.5 to 2 years. Heck, I very quickly found a site saying that the average marriage only last about 2.5 years. In fact, here's another.

I knew about this 2-year period thing long before my first relationship. It irks me greatly that the duration of my relationship was foretold by BBC news. I guess I have to console myself that hormones had little to do with the reasons for my own break-up; although it could have been part of the reason for staying together in the first place. Meh.

How long have most of my friends been in a relationship so far?... About 2 years?

The thought is a scary one. Well, hopefully everyone else put more thought into their choice of mate than I did. Or at least have developed healthier, longer lasting relationships.

I'm not interested in the past. But I do feel lonely in my new apartment sometimes. I should have seen that coming, huh?

Thursday, January 08, 2009

One for the rattie & new year rush???

As the vid description goes: Rats loves tolerates rats.

Sorry, but couldn't resist. :P


Whoa! Suddenly I've been pounced upon by job opportunity! Either that or a chance to be helplessly exploited and dragged into ridiculous office politics. Hrm.

I've very suddenly gotten very busy over the course of the new year. I find myself planning my activities every day to make sure I get my chores done, and this new job possibility has taken a toll on that. I'm still keeping ahead right now, just barely.

I wonder why this is so? Is a sudden rush of activity a common post break-up thing? I haven't had a chance to play any games, which are my lifelong vice. Maybe I'm just passing through another stage of my life.

Well, I'm pretty tiring. Off to bed I go.

Thursday, January 01, 2009

End the year with a bang

Just two days before the new year, I had an accident. It happened while I was curtain hunting. I had stopped on the road because a car had stopped a moment in front of me to buy something at the shops. While I was waiting, a parked truck backed into my car from the side.It's the blind spot of the car and I wasn't expecting him to back out, so I hadn't honked. Turns out the truck was a bread seller and his rear view mirror was blocked by all the bread so he didn't see me. Guy had the cheek to insist I was in the wrong because I didn't honk to stop him. Yes, he pissed me off.

My car was only dented slightly, so the guy knew for a fact I wouldn't report the accident (I'd have nothing to gain) so refused to compensate me. I was pretty irate and wanted to report just to spite him (he'd get fined RM200-300) but my mum and step father talked me out of it. They're right - pointless accident, and I don't really want the money; just vindication. But the pride isn't all that important and the guy sells bread all day to make a living. Not worth the effort of going through an arduous police report and I have better things to do.

I got a parking ticket too within a few hours after the accident for leaving my car awhile... that's another RM100. Meh.


In other news, I had an eventful day on new year's eve itself. The gang and I watched Australia together, and I have to say I was quite impressed. Acceptable plot for it's genre, believable characters, good acting, great scenes, considerate filming and portrayal of real issues... sappy movies aren't really my thing but if they're all this good I wouldn't mind watching more.

After the movie, we went carpet hunting. I needed a new carpet for my new apartment, and my two home improvement consultants (Adik and Paul) provided me with excellent advice for the selection.

Isn't it great? Even my mum thought it was perfect for the current colors. It was a pretty hard choice to make when viewing all the different carpets available (newbies at stuff like this like myself tend too have that problem), but in the end this one was the winner.

The finale was a party/potluck with the friends I've made over the last two years (you know who you are!). The food (potluck) was excellent (thanks guys!) and the company more so. Even my brother came over to visit and played some party games with us before calling it a night. It was a night of laughter and fellowship, and thankfully, void of drama.

I'm quite happy with my new year's eve. :)


In other news, look who's back!

For some reason, his presence in my new flat isn't very reassuring though.