In another moment down went Alice after it, never once considering how in the world she was to get out again.

Wednesday, December 09, 2009

Facebook troubles and HLB

Facebook apparently has some common issues...

Some users are seeing their profiles display zero friends. They may also have difficulty viewing their friends’ profiles or seeing their friends in News Feed. We are aware of this issue and hope to have it resolved soon."

Yep, I've been hit by it. Can't leave comments on friend's walls... or even re-add them as friends since they're already my friends. :(


Nase: u knw u have changed ever since the set up of HLB**, a good thing
Me: like how?
Nase: more opened up and more joy for sure
Me: ehhhh? ya ka?
Nase: not so constipated anymore
Me: >.<
Nase: lolz
its a compliment dude
Me: okay lar
:) thanks... i think

**HLB is one of the little nicknames my friends have given my current relationship.

One casual conversation earlier,

JJ: (Playing Titan Quest while chatting on voice chat) Eeeee... eeeee... eeeee... go away stupid monster!
Me: Time for me to go to bed. Goodnight!
JJ: Okay. Goodnight!
Me: Love you!
JJ: Love you too!
Me: ... oops, that's the first time I said that.
JJ: Oh. Actually I was waiting to say it later. But it feels right saying it.
Me: (You too huh?)

Oh well. It's come to that stage anyway, spoken or not. :)

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Work and facebook

Hmm. This has been mentioned before, but it seems that since I started face-booking, my blogging has seriously dropped.

Well, that's okay. I'll come back to this thing when I feel like it. For now, it seems I have other options. :)

Monday, October 26, 2009

The power of nationalism

I hear that there's a National Unity Forum over at Sunway University College today. I wonder how it went? Maybe something like....


I want to tell you about a great success story in national unity which our country may follow. Let's call this country the country of TUAN.

Now, TUAN had historically lost an important war. As the losers of the war, there were a great many penalties imposed on the country of TUAN The morale of the people of the country was in shambles, and there was a lot of infighting. Worse of all, there was a great disparity in the economic success of the ethnic groups in the country, with a great deal of the money of the country laid in the hands of a particular minority race. The race which held the majority status on the other hand suffered greatly due to the harsh penalties imposed on them from the war.

Eventually, a charismatic leader took a try at politics in his country. He cried for national pride, for a unity of the nation to rise up against all odds. He emphasised that this unity could only happen through the unity of culture, values, race and religion, and that the success of TUAN could only come through this national pride in their identity as a nation. A unity of culture and values.

This method of unifying the country has been around for a long time - it was called nationalism.

The majority of the people of TUAN heeded this charismatic leader's cry for unity, and bore their identity as a race and as a nation with pride. They worked hard to develop themselves and their country, to make TUAN the strongest country they could be. It worked wonderfully.

Unfortunately, there was a barrier to this unity. The minority race which held a great deal of wealth in the country had a completely different culture from the rest of the people - worse, this minority race had a different religion and language from the rest of the nation. Making these people a part of the country's identity as a nation was a huge challenge.

The charismatic leader took hold of the situation in the most efficient manner he could think of - he segregated these people from the rest of the country and put them in towns dedicated to this minority race. No longer would these minority race stand in the way of the progress of this great nation, TUAN. No longer would they stand in the way of the unity of the identity of the nation.

No longer would they live.

In the mean time, the country of TUAN prospered greatly under this leader's rule. The harsh penalties which were imposed upon TUAN were actually paid up very quickly, shocking the other countries which had won out in the last war. And the country of TUAN became such a strong and powerful nation, and their pride in their identity as a nation so solid, that they decided that their people and nation should be the TUAN over all nations.

The name of that nation was Germany. That charismatic leader that united his nation to become a mighty power was Hitler.


1Now the whole world had one language and a common speech. 2 As men moved eastward, they found a plain in Shinar and settled there.

3 They said to each other, "Come, let's make bricks and bake them thoroughly." They used brick instead of stone, and tar for mortar. 4 Then they said, "Come, let us build ourselves a city, with a tower that reaches to the heavens, so that we may make a name for ourselves and not be scattered over the face of the whole earth."

5 But the LORD came down to see the city and the tower that the men were building. 6 The LORD said, "If as one people speaking the same language they have begun to do this, then nothing they plan to do will be impossible for them. 7 Come, let us go down and confuse their language so they will not understand each other."

8 So the LORD scattered them from there over all the earth, and they stopped building the city. 9 That is why it was called Babel —because there the LORD confused the language of the whole world. From there the LORD scattered them over the face of the whole earth.

-Genesis 11:1-9


Nationalism is a tool of men, made by men in order to gain power over the people. Consider embracing cosmopolitanism instead, the LORD sure did.

Monday, October 05, 2009

Adventures in diet control!

Aaaand I've officially got a tummy now. There's a first for everything, I guess. Some of that weight must have gone to the stomach after all. *sighs*

Gosh, I need to diet. I don't take much oil or fats, so that means I must have been taking too much carbo. So less carbo in diet. Bleh, so much for easy ham sandwiches.


Me: Auugh! Cramps cramps cramps!

Mum: You've been glugging down a lot of water since you started gymming, right dear?
Me: Yes mum.
Me: You've been sweating out all the salt and drinking so much water that you don't have enough salt in your system.

Salt it's salt now? Gosh, that's a new one. What can I do for salt? isotonic drinks, regular chap fan and salty food, but what about at home? Preferably something with protein in it... AHA!

Roasted salted peanuts!


...erm, I'm not going to explain why I have a need for fibre. Use your own imagination.

Anyway, I don't want bananas (too much starch/carbo) or papaya (hate the stuff) and my usual wholemeal bread sandwiches are out since i'm cutting carbo, so that leaves my options to taking large amounts of vegetables or...



Me: Hrmmm. I need protein, but all this ham and turkey ham is expensive... and it's processed food. Convenient, but maybe not all that good for me in more than one way. So how? ....hrm, chicken fillets are going for that much only? Cheaper than chicken breast?

So I had to buy I started cooking again.

First few times: Stir fried chicken fillets in olive oil... and dunking in some canned corn. Mostly tasteless since I didn't buy ingredients (like soy sauce, salt, garlic, vegetable and so on)

Next time however...

Me: Guh, so bored of research... *dunks corn into stir fry wok while frying chicken* This was so tasteless last time, time to use the stuff i bought! *throws in soya sauce* Ooops, too much! Oh, nevermind. *throws in oyster sauce as well*

...*fry fry fry*...

Me: Still feel bored. Isn't there any way to make it more interesting?...

...*fry fry fry*...

*throws in prunes*

Me: ...Okay, maybe that wasn't such a good idea.

...*fry fry fry*...

Me: Oh, what the heck. *throws in roasted peanuts*

...*fry fry fry*...

Me: And done! Time for the taste test!


Me: ...too salty.

*pours a little water over then drains water out*

Me: ...okay, not nearly as bad as I thought it would be!

Soooooo... anyone want to try stir fried chicken fillet in corn, peanuts and prunes?


Me: So busy with research! Can't gym this week, hence I shall eat much less! Let's see how much this will shrink my tummy!

At the end of the week,

Me: Gah, that's enough of research! How's the tummy? *measures* A whole inch! Not bad, but how much weight did I lose?

Me: *weights* ...I lost 2kg in a week???? ...*dies*

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Sharing a story

Very happy, a little scared, very hopeful. That's how I felt when I committed myself to a relationship with someone.

...huh. I was supposed to sleep early but spent the whole night looking for my last announcement post when I first hooked up with my ex as a reference for this one. Apparently there wasn't any.

Looks like the start of a new chapter in our lives, our story. Seems to be off to a good start, with plenty more wonderful times anticipated. :)

Thursday, September 03, 2009

Gymming and exercise

I've been gymming pretty regularly now. Started in March actually, but had to stop for a few months due to a nasty knee injury during Body Combat. I didn't even bother checking for results in any manner, figuring that my body would downright refuse to put on any weight no matter what I did.

Well, apparently I weight 3-4 kgs more since then, more than I ever have in the 29 years of my life. I don't think much of it has gone to my stomach either - pants are a bit more fitting, but not tight. Since then I've looked more carefully a subtle difference... not much though. But still, I'm quite happy about the extra weight. (Though to be honest, I would have though that much extra weight would be noticable immediately)

I'm not really sure how much of it came from the extra exercise (comprised ENTIRELY of Body Pump sessions, once to twice weekly), or the extra diet. But the definite (if minor) improvement has made me realise that change IS possible.

So I've moved from only Body Pump to resistance training as well, 3 times a week. And taken a bit more care with my diet as compared to "when I remember, makan". So yeah, a bit more serious with the workout now.


One thing I've realised is that the sides of my chest are subtly improving... but the middle not at all. So no longkang for me. Recently I've been trying a resistance machine which focuse only on the chest, and realised that I had a very big difference in difficulty closing the last bit of the workout compared to the startup.

What part of the chest muscle did closing the last bit need?... ah. The middle of the chest. I've been doing equivalents of bench presses and push ups, which don't really involve that part of the pectorals. You'd think that would have dawned on me sooner...

And thus I've been introduced to the wonderful world of targeted body sculpting. Time to work on that longkang. Any advice, anyone?


As for meals, i've been trying to work in extra meals into my diet. Mostly turkey ham sandwiches (wholemeal bread), as I need the fibre too. (Don't ask.)

A quick sift through the internet, and the advice apparently is that I should be consuming 1.2g of protein everyday for each pound I weight. About 150x1.2= 180 grams of protein. That doesn't sound too hard, right? Surely I'm already consuming that amount.

But wait! That's how much protein I should be consuming, not weight in meat. A cursory look at how much protein a kg of meat has... ermmm, most meats seem to have a weight to protein ratio of about 4:1 so the amount of meat I need to consume is 4x180 = 720 grammes.

Wait, what?

720 grammes of meat a DAY???

That's ludicrous! 100 grammes is like one half of a chicken breast. So 720 grammes is like eating 7.2 chicken breasts halves EVERY DAY.

These are three chicken breast halves. I should eat about 7 everyday.

Already my current eating regime makes me feel bloated throughout the day and have a generally unhappy stomach! But 720 grammes of meat??? I'll be farting so often that my workstation will be declared as a biohazard zone! Are there any other options?

Letsee, egg white from one egg gives... 4g only? why did I even bother?

One bottle of V-soy (yummy) has ...9g? That's a lot actually... but it's vegtable protein so it's worth much less cos it's hard to absorb I think.

Anyone want to correct my calculations?


P.S. Until today, still cannot go through a whole session of Body Pump without taking a break to rest. >.> Only one in the class who has to do that. Malu betul...

Monday, August 31, 2009

The paintings

My apartment has been accused of being bare and devoid of... well, generally bare. The painting on the feature wall isn't even one I chose myself, rather it's from the previous owners. Painting of running horses... very Chinese taste, that. I've been looking about at art pieces recently with a mind to replace that one ever since I saw a painting of flowers at midvalley...

It wasn't a very detailed painting - quite teh opposite really. Very geometric shapes, petal-less flowers and vivid, solid colors. A modern art piece to be sure, of flowers in a vase. I passed by it once, and the second time I passed the shop I asked the salegirl to take it out under a pile for mee to see again.

Saleperson: Oh, this is a nice one... (when I heard her say this, warning bells should have already start to ring.)
Me: So how much is it?
Salesperson: RM550.
Me: ...Oh. Hrm.

(RM550??? I was willing to pay half of that!)

I didn't buy it, but confirmed with the salegirl that the stall would be up for a week. So I had one week to decide to buy the painting or not.

In the end, I decided against it. It would have been my first pruchase of an art piece, and I wasn't very confident about my taste in art yet. I should get a bit more exposure and see what's available around before buying such expensive pieces of art.


Later in Ikano, a lower ground floor, while walking with a friend (Junior I think)

Me: !!! Hold on yah, spotted a nice painting...
Junior: ?...

I made a quick stop at the painting shop. Lots of painting of Budhha heads, but I wasn't interested in those. The painting that really stood out for me was a modern art piece which looked like a countryside scenery... again, using simple shapes yet I liked the composition. Wouldn't this be lovely for my feature wall? A glance at the price tag...


Of course, I immediately ran back to Junior and regaled my horror at the price.
Junior: Yeah, no surprise. Paintings are like that what.
Me: But it's a little shop in the Curve, not an art gallery!


I bet that last painting is still there, waiting to adorn somebody's wall. You can see it in Ikano, I think the lower ground floor. The shop is very obvious for its many paintings of Budhha heads in it.

Monday, July 27, 2009

Laundry with Mum

After from a satisfying weekend in Singapore, followed by a week in Penang (work training), I took out my laundry from my Penang trip to add to the laundry basket...

...only to find it was already overflowing. I had work on Sunday the next day too. Er, oops?

It was dire situations like these where one must take emergency options.

*dials on phone* "Hey mum! There's something I need help with..."


Mum: You see, you should separate the whites from the blacks like this.

Me: Uh huh.

Mum: *holding up a small white and black striped shirt* ...this shirt is very small.

Me: Hey, my friends helped me choose it. You think that's small? Hold on. *trudge to room and pulls out a whiteshirt*

Me: This is the shirt SK chose for me. (Wait for it...)

Mum: *gawks at shirt with mouth open*

Me: (One, two, three, four, five...)

Mum: ...she chose THAT? Can you even wear THAT?

Me: (Five seconds!) Takes getting used to. Big, oversized shirts are no longer in fashion mum.

Mum: So THAT is in fashion?

Me: Erm... Well... actually.... no straight man would be caught dead wearing a shirt this size.


Me: I so need to buy new underwear.

Mum: Hrm?

Me: For one thing, my underwear is really old.

Mum: And?

Me: And I think some of them are dad's. (He passed away not long ago)

Mum: Ewwwwww~~~!

Saturday, July 04, 2009

It's here!

...or at least it's in Japan.

You can not advance

If you've been following my blog, you'd know I'm an Evangelion fan. Pretty much a flawed jewel, as I've mentioned in previous posts. But I love it all the same.

The latest Evangelion movies are actually a remake of the television series that made a stupendous amount of money for Gainax in merchendise (what, gross USD2 billion????). The Eva movies are a great way to milk a money cow, for sure. (It appears to be beating the most successful movies in Japan in the year so far)

The first of four movies has come and gone, the latest one which I want to watch is the second in the series. While the first movie was nearly a scene for scene replication of the original animation aired on tv, the second one is soooooooo different from the original apparently that fans just *have* to watch it to see the differences for themselves. To put things into perspective, rabid anime fans are the type of people who take great offense to a small change in the name of a character.

So yeah. Can't wait to watch the show myself, trying very hard not to read the evil EVIL spoilers all over the internet. It's going to take a very long time before the show comes to (limitted) screens in Malaysia or DVD though. :(

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Youtube/surfing addiction

I forgot to sleep last night again. Spent the night watching random youtubey things like Naga the Serpent's infamous laugh (from the anime Slayers) and Spiderman Unlimitted and the glorious glorious TV Troupes website. The last one is a hilarious listing of "tricks of the trade for writing fiction."

Check out this entry on "Lampshade hanging"!


Lampshade hanging

"If I live to be 100, I will never understand why they keep so many damn weapons under the ring. It's like they want the wrestlers to use them on each other..."
Jim Ross, WWE RAW

Lampshade Hanging is the writers' trick of dealing with any element of the story that threatens the audience's Willing Suspension Of Disbelief—whether a very implausible plot development, or a particularly egregious use of a trope—by calling attention to it... and then moving on.

The reason for this counter-intuitive strategy is two-fold. First, it assures the audience that the author is aware of the implausible plot development that just happened, and that he isn't trying to slip something past the audience. Second, it assures the audience that the world of the story is like Real Life: what's implausible for you or me is just as implausible for these characters, and just as likely to provoke an incredulous response...


Brilliant stuff. I love it soooo much! *gleee* There's more content to that entry on lampshade hanging, but I think you get the idea from there. :P


In the mean time, I'm considering adding one of those little song playing thingies to my blog. Travesty, I know. But check out this song!

Wouldn't this song be just perfect on my blog? =:3


SBB says:

You've *got* to be kidding me.

SBB seal of disapproval

Wednesday, June 03, 2009

(another) What ever happened to...


Me: Hrm. I noticed that most of the gay couples I know got hitched up very quickly. Love at first sight, all of them. (Myself included)

Sinner: Really? Did they last long?

Me: Most of them about two years so far. Only two real break-ups i can think of now, and that includs myself.

Sinner: Well, I guess it's different for (gay) guys. A girl will want to go dating, be romanced and chased after. For us, if there's a mutual interest it happens. That's it.


Erm hrmmmmm.

But doesn't dating actually serve a purpose? The whole getting to know each other thing? Surely you can't really get to know a person immediately.


"...But another, more useful purpose of dating is to learn. We need some experience to learn what we want in a partner, what we don't want, how to communicate our needs, how to serve the other's needs without disrespecting ourselves, and what it feels like to love, be loved, and even how to be strong enough to part when we know it's time..."

"...Dating is a selection process. The problem is that most people don't have a clear idea of what they're looking for. That's why it's important to make a list of qualities that you're looking for. Then, when a person falls short of matching that list, it's important to say, "Next."... " -Kara Oh, Alive with Love.


Hrmm. But how well does that apply to gay men?

Can gay men really be very choosy? You know, not a whole lot of fish in the ocean for gay men sort of thing. So if we find someone who seems halfway decent, perhaps its wise to 'grab' before he's taken by someone else. It's not like dating is really going to tell you how compatible you are anyway. And how long do you really need to date to get to know what a person's like?

Still. Having just come out of a relationship recently myself, I feel like being cautious. I had really put in a lot of effort and made a lot of sacrifices into my last relationship - not that that's a bad thing, but I feel hesitant to jump into another one immediately. But I may have already let opportunities pass me by.

What do you guys think?

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Opportunity comes knocking

Lately I've just finished a contract of part-time work. So I'm a bit more free lately, wondering about employment issues. In fact, I was just thinking to myself yesterday, "Wouldn't it be funny if a job opportunity dropped itself on my lap all the sudden?"

Today I just got a phone call from my old employer back in Melaka. They want me back for teaching and training. They want to expand their services it seems.

Huh. Not quite what I had in mind.

I liked working in my old workplace. I already get along with the staff there, and I know I can do my job well there. Pay is of the non-profit organization variety of course.

Working in Melaka means living there though. Away from KL.

It's funny. Of all people, I should know that nothing lasts forever, and eventually people will move away. I'm used to traveling and staying in other (mostly unfamiliar) places for decent periods of times. As a matter of fact, I've been considering the need to move overseas before 2012 i.e. the next elections. Even made some arrangements that would help me move to Australia if needed.

But the thought of leaving KL really irks me. Life in KL has been really good to me. Since I've come here, I've had the opportunity to make up my own home, experience a relationship and most importantly, make valued friendships. Not that I can't make friends anywhere else, but you guys know who you are and why you're special.

You see, I tend to associate places I've stayed in with my experiences during my stay there. And I've come to realize that KL represents some of the happiest days in my whole life. I'm one of the most fortunate people in the world.


"Mr. Finch: Imagine what you could do. Think of the civilizations you could save. Pergunot. Lysinder. Your own people Doctor, standing tall. The Time Lords, reborn.

Sarah Jane Smith: Doctor, don't listen to him!

Mr. Finch: And you could be with him throughout eternity. Young, fresh. Never wither, never age...never die. Their lives are so fleeting. So many goodbyes. How lonely you must be, Doctor. Join us.

The Doctor: I could save everyone.

Mr. Finch: Yes.

The Doctor: I could stop the war.

Sarah Jane Smith: No. The universe has to move forward. Pain and loss, they define us as much as happiness or love. Whether it's a world, or a relationship... Everything has its time. And everything ends."
- Doctor Who, "School Reunion"

Must we say goodbye?


Employer: Do you know J*** L***? We want to make him executive director over the new branch you'll be working in.
Me: Er, who's that again?
Employer: You should know him. He was the pastor at your father's funeral.
Employer: ...oh. That bad huh?

The guy was one of those many people who my late father had *plenty* of time to talk about his ungrateful children. During the funeral, I think have the crowd had this disapproving look on their faces, and there were carefully inserted mentions in the speeches of the need of 'forgiveness' and so on. Somehow, I don't think I would want to be working under this guy anytime soon.


Everything ends... eventually. But not just yet. :)

Sunday, May 10, 2009


Just wanted to share this rockin' video with you all. Enjoy!

Monday, May 04, 2009

The Photo Album, part 2

"...but what if a picture comes out and your father sees a picture of me?" my mum asked, referring to the photo album that I was bringing.

"Oh, that's easy. I'll just say that's the maid," I replied.

She rolled her eyes, "Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmph. I'm so fortunate for having such a clever son."


Just remembered this bit. Lol...

Saturday, May 02, 2009

The Photo Album

It was an inspired moment.

"Oh, this is so lovely" my mum said, smiling as she took a picture of her ex-husband posing with her children out from one photo album and passed it to me.

I placed the photograph into another photo album in my lap, using it to cover a picture of my mum. The photo album I was holding was looking positively curious; photos of my biological father from all eras were randomly scattered throughout. And underneath each misplaced photo of my father was a hidden photo of my mum.

The effect was a photo album full of random pictures of my father, mostly posing together with me and my brother when we were children. What was missing was any picture of my mother. Or hidden away, to be more precise.

I had arrived in town the night before, hoping to meet my father who had lapsed into a coma that day. It had been too late at night to visit, so I had to settle for visiting the morning after. But not before making preparations.

My brother had arrived earlier, so he had the chance to see how my father's condition really was. The man was lapsing in and out of consciousness, and when he was conscious he was delirious. Apparently thought my brother was working in the Royal Bank of Scotland, and was delighted he could make it from... Scotland.

Hence the editted photo album.


"What's that?" My aunt would ask.

"Morphine. The best kind," I would reply as I walked into the room to speak to my father in private.

"Look. This is your life," I would say, as I would open the pages of the photo album and show it to my father. Inside would be picture upon picture of himself posing with his young children. Pictures of his success, of him being a father.


It was a brilliant plan. It depended of course on the fact that the poor man was delirious. That way he didn't have to think of what happened after the scenes in the photos. He could enjoy every moment depicted in each photo, missing any unpleasant memories or blemishes. Because he was delirious, he could enjoy the early days of his first marriage without remembering that he was ever held accountable for his actions and suffered the consequences that followed.

But did the photo album show him everything he had, or everything he had lost?

Holding the finished photo album in hand, I arrived at my father's new house that morning with my presentation for the dying man rehearsed in my head. But my aunt's first sentence to me was quite different from the one I expected.

"He passed away early this morning," my aunt said,"I only found out when I arrived today myself."

You're too late.


This is not fiction. The recollection of the events are accurate, but in truth it's not nearly as sad as it sounds in writing. I was disappointed that I arrived too late to give the photo album, but a part of me didn't mind all that much. The dying, delirious man would have enjoyed looking through the album, but something felt terribly wrong about it. It was as if I was taking advantage of the a dying man's inability to think properly in order to feed him a wonderful lie.

The photo album was indeed a curious thing. Was it truly an object of kindness, or in actual fact an object of ultimate cruelty?

Thursday, April 30, 2009


Just came back from my father's funeral. Blog posts are coming up.

Monday, April 27, 2009


Screw it. I'm going to cancel everything and make my way down.

What ever happened to...

...the kid that played Doogie Howser, M. D. ?

Surprisingly hard to find anything on Doogie Howser. Only the first minute of this video is Doogie Howser, ignore the rest of the vid.

The actor, Neil Patrick Harris, is 37 now if I'm not mistaken. Apart from landing up various roles in various shows and movies, he sometimes does stints like this;

The guy came out of the closet not long ago... but I think this vid kind of did that for him anyway. :P

Tuesday, April 21, 2009


What do you invest your life in?
What do you care about?
Where does your heart lie?

What cards are in your hands? What resources, skills and talents do you possess?
How do you play your cards?

Are you a sporting player?
Do you play nice?
Do you play well with other people in the game of life?

"What you don't know won't hurt you."
"You would do the same thing in my shoes."
"I did it because I could."

"What you don't know (about what I did) won't hurt you."
"You would do the same thing in my shoes (but please don't do that to me)."
"I did it because I (thought I) could (get away with it)."

Life has only one real lesson for us all; There are consequences for every action or inaction we take. For better or ill, we make decisions which affect our own lives and the people around us. You take your chances, weight the risks and reap the benefits. Or tragedy.

People expect kindness for those who are dying, in spite of what lack of kindness they had throughout their lives. But does the fact that one is dying automatically erase his past wrongdoings? Does it make him a good person? Does he suddenly deserve love and respect?

Do onto others as you would have them do onto you. If you don't care about their thoughts and feelings, don't expect people to give you such a luxury. If you only look out for yourself, then you will die by yourself. And once your children see you as an man who is below respect, how do you expect them to care about your passing away?

In the end, you always reap what you sow.

Liver cancer? That doesn't impress me much. I may yet follow in your footsteps after all.

Stop telling me to what I should do.

Thursday, April 09, 2009

To have a taste

"And when the hourglass has run out, the hourglass of temporality, when the noise of secular life has grown silent and its restless or ineffectual activism has come to an end, when everything around you is still, as it is in eternity, then eternity asks you and every individual in these millions and millions about only one thing: whether you have lived in despair or not." - Soren Kierkegaard, "The Sickness Unto Death"


Well. This year started out verrrrry 'happening'-ly to say this least, where I was meeting people every weekend and during the weekdays as well. For the past few weeks however, I suddenly find myself stranded in my room by myself and writing blog posts at god knows what hour of the day. Thanks, knee injury.

Normally, I don't really mind be alone. I am accustomed to living by myself during my days studying overseas. Comes with being antisocial. I lived as a very shut in kind of guy. To be fair though, I was pretty depressed back in those days.

This time around feels different. Maybe it's the huge contrast from how the year started. But normally during my shut in days I'd use computer entertainment (read 'games') to keep myself busy. Heck, the games were what kept me sane during those bad times. But I don't enjoy computer games in the same way I used to. Heck, I spend a lot of time on facebook more than anything else. I guess I can attribute that to my 'social' side starting to develop. Huh... took me 28 years of my life to get my 'social' brain running? That's kind of retarded, actually.

I've been really enjoying my life recently. Maybe, again, it's the contrast. What my life is now compared to those bad times, as I keep mentioning. But really, I'm quite contented with life in spite of being bored to tears of being shut in for the past week. I miss seeing everyone and going out, but yearning is an okay thing. It's a good sort of yearning; the kind where you've had a chance to taste something good. Things which one had lost hope of every having a chance to taste, yet was given the opportunity to do so.

Like a how one may view a relationship after the breakup ; it was sweet while it lasted. Only you're glad that you had the opportunity to have a relationship at all, and one that was sweet. Thankful that you had been so blessed, even if temporarily.

The other odd thing is that I don't really fear tragedy or loss... or death. It's quite similar I suppose; it's as if you've had a chance to taste the goodness that life has to offer you and you can pass on with no regrets. And if it was taken away from you, that's not all that bad. Only, that moment in now, and death and loss is not yet near. Or is it?

Things are looking good.


"I remember one morning getting up at dawn, there was such a sense of possibility. You know, that feeling? And I remember thinking to myself this is the beginning of happiness. This is where it starts. And of course there will always be more. It never occurred to me it wasn't the beginning. It was happiness. It was the moment. Right then." - Clarissa Vaughan, The Hours

The quote from Clarissa Vaughan above (played by Meryl Streep) is at the 3:33 mark of this video. Music is "Morning Passages" by Phillip Glass.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Knee Injury

I've sprained my knee... possibly a torn ligament but I don't think it's that bad. So much for weekend plans, or weekday plans either.

Basically, it was Body Combat. There was this lunging/stepping forward punch which looked pretty weird to me. Basically I stomped too hard and my knee gave way under the impact. Down I went, landing on my elbow badly too. Hmph.

Janvier was with me at the time, so he took the trouble of bringing me home and calling his bf 'the chief' in to help with the transport. Really appreciate their help in my time of need... and pain. Thank you so much guys! Don't know what I'd do without you.

Much hopping ensued. Think my left leg and hand are going to become really strong from all the hopping and supporting.

I'm pretty stuck in the house now - can't even manage crutches since my right elbow can't really manage them either.

Well, here's to Earth Hour.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

In sickness and health

"One out of ten???"

My friend nodded.

Friend: That's according to UN statistics, based on hospital records. For gay men in Thailand, it's about one in every three gay men.

Me: That's stupendously high! Ridiculous! We're in South East Asia, not Nigeria, okay?

Friend: Actually I think its higher. A lot of them are too scared to go for blood test or have other reasons not to test. Can't be bothered.

Me: I just can't imagine one in every ten gay men having HIV.

Friend: Believe it. I'm sure some of your friends have also.

Me: Erm... no. I really don't think so.

Friend: Not sexually active meh? If they're faithful also, could be they got it from their previous partner who is sexually active, or previously they are sexually active.

Me: Hmmmph. (Name)'s boyfriend lost his virginity to him... so did (name)'s boyfriend...

Friend: ...okay, maybe not.


A very morbid conversation (and blog post), to be sure. According to this guy I was talking to, his friends apparently are all in danger from getting HIV due to sexual lifestyle (or from sexual lifestyle of bfs). But they're afraid to go for blood testing.

Friend: Because if you go for the blood test and it turns out positive, you can't go on living the same way. So better if you don't know.

Me: ...what a way to view it.

And why do I get this feeling I live in a different world from this particular friend, even though we're both gay? More importantly... how long will this separation last?

As long as possible, I hope. I don't want to fear that myself or my friends are constantly in danger.


Speaking of which, I've mentioned that I was a Hepatitis B carrier before. I've had it since I was very young (at least 5 years old)... my father contracted it first and somehow I got it too. Knowing him, he probably got it from a hooker either in Thailand or KL. (Yes, seriously.) He's dying from liver cancer now though, no doubt due to the Hep B virus.

I pretty much share the same type of physical body as my father - body shape and features are practically the same. The Hep B cell count in my blood is helluva high too. 40, 000 cells per mL of blood is considered high apparently... but I've got 6 millions Hep B cells per mL of my blood.

Oh yeah, it doesn't look good.

So I'm quite aware that I'm likely to go the way of my father in the future, i.e. liver cancer. Heck, if my body decided to kill all the Hep B cells in one go, 6 millions cells per mL sounds like it's enough to give me liver failure like Kugan. But I'm no doctor.

Lately I thought about it because the same friend I mentioned earlier commented that I may have poor stamina at gym and leg cramp cos of diabetes or similar reasons. I immediately though of the Hep B cells. I suppose feeding that much Hep B cells can't be too good for me, even though my liver hasn't started taking damage yet. Which also means that I can't take medicine yet because my body hasn't started to fight it off. I think....the doctors' explaination was semi-conflicting.

Body Pump yesterday was pretty tough. >.< I'm not sore today though - just that I tire easily. Hrmmmm.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Great Expectations...or not.


Seems like my last post has sparked some sort of...interest? Conflict? Confusion? Let me explain myself.

Of course, I don't really have 'great expectations' of my future boyfriend. More accurately, I have almost no expectations at all which I've come to realize may be on the other extreme. As in "aaaanyone will do for me".... obviously that's no good either, right?

Let me put it in another way.

What do you think will make your future relationship work? (Focusing on qualities your partner has)

Even the very basic stuff like genuine love are a valid answer. Because everyone's definition of love is a little different, and you can't take love for granted. No, really you can't. What does love mean to each of us, really? How much attention? How much selflessness? How much care? I knew a man whose definition of his love for people (and how he shows it) was very different from what his definition of how people should love him.

Spoken or unspoken, expectations of love exist.

In fact, I'm trying to think through all the very basic things that make a relationship work, from the perspective of what qualities I want to build in myself as well as see in my future partner to be.

"Now, I return to this young fellow. And the communication I have got to make is, that he has great expectations." - Great Expectations, Charles Dickens

The typical gay man in Malaysia starts dating other men much later than straight couples (failed experiments with girls don't count, sorry!). Often when we first become financially independent. At that point, the issue of sex has already entered the equation. Where as people who date during their teens (who have obediently staved off sex) have to concentrate a lot more on the person rather than how good the sex was.

I mean, how often do you hear teenagers say that sex is the most important factor of a relationship?

I believe I've made this point before; typically gay men have less experience in relationships. I'm no exception - right now I'm trying to figure how to differentiate people I should pass on and those I should keep?

"Aaaaaaaaanyone will do for me" isn't a good approach, okay?

Let's not over-romanticize; not everyone is a good match for each other. It may be a good idea to recognize who we are, who would like to be with us and who we would like to be with.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Great Expectations

This is the BIG AND GRAND TOPIC. Oh yes. In caps no less, lol.

This is the blog post where I ask myself and ask you the reader:

What qualities do you want in your life partner?

(Recommended for singles only! Trust me, stay awaaaay from this blog topic if you're already happily attached. Don't say I didn't warn you.)

This topic's been mulling in my head for awhile now, and Derek's last post made me decide that I had to blog about it now and not later, even though my own thoughts on the matter are not settled yet. (Which means there's guaranteed to be a "Great Expectations II" post)

Right now I'm pretty happy just making friends. I've sort of come to the conclusion that I want to be a stable and happy single until I know what I want and meet someone suitable. So there's two parts to that; the fact that I want to get myself in order before making room for someone else in my life and the fact I'm not prepared to find a lover by virtue of not knowing what to look for. The second part is something that needs to be fixed soon as I'm reaching my 30-ies soon and don't really have enough experience in relationships yet to know what's needed to make a relationship work... with me.

Heck, I'm listing this topic as sooooo important that it gets it's own label.

So, what do I want exactly?...



I can't think of anything.

This topic is making my head feel like it's caving in and I'm tired from working til 11pm, so I'm going to give it some more thought and come back to it later. Prepare your answers for the second topic, readers!


Friend: So what did you see in this last guy you were interested in, anyway?
Me: Huh? He seemed nice?
Friend: Seemed nice is a copout. When I met (name here) I knew I liked his (specific examples here). So what did you see in that guy?
Me: Er...
Me: (I honestly don't know.)


Sherlock Holmes seemed delighted at the idea of sharing his rooms with me. "I have my eye on a suite in Baker Street," he said, "which would suit us down to the ground. You don't mind the smell of strong tobacco, I hope?"

"I always smoke 'ship's' myself," I answered.

"That's good enough. I generally have chemicals about, and occasionally do experiments. Would that annoy you?"

"By no means."

"Let me see--what are my other shortcomings. I get in the dumps at times, and don't open my mouth for days on end. You must not think I am sulky when I do that. Just let me alone, and I'll soon be right. What have you to confess now? It's just as well for two fellows to know the worst of one another before they begin to live together."

I laughed at this cross-examination. "I keep a bull pup," I said, "and I object to rows because my nerves are shaken, and I get up at all sorts of ungodly hours, and I am extremely lazy. I have another set of vices when I'm well, but those are the principal ones at present."

"Do you include violin-playing in your category of rows?" he asked, anxiously.

"It depends on the player," I answered. "A well-played violin is a treat
for the gods--a badly-played one----"

"Oh, that's all right," he cried, with a merry laugh. "I think we may consider the thing as settled--that is, if the rooms are agreeable to you."

- A Study In Scarlet, by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Going for a song

I've been subjecting myself to the whims and fancies of Malaysian radio for a while now, as I've been using my mum's car since the car crash. It only has one slot for cds as compared to the multislot thing I have in the boot of my last car which lets me switch cds easily.

Did anyone notice that Malaysian radio stations play the same songs over and over and over again? I mean they always used to do that to some extent but nowadays you can expect to hear Taylor Swift's "Love Story" playing on 4 stations at the same time ever so often. Don't get me started on Rihanna - I made the big mistake of buying her cd only to find that the songs I want to hear are already overplayed on radio anyway. The stations are apparently too cheapskate to pay royalties for a bigger mix of songs and instead settle for getting a few 'hits' and playing them way past the point where people get sick of them.

So, what to do? Burn my own cd of course! Been awhile since I did that though. Back in high school I used to record songs on tape, and believe it or not my selections were so diverse and popular that my friends even asked me to choose songs and record compilations for them. But that was a long time ago when I had the time and interest to watch a great deal of MTV and Channel V on Astro.

Which means that most of the songs I want to burn are actually... not very fresh. Oh well! Here's the list of songs for my first music cd burning;

1. Catch, Kosheen

2. Jesus bleibet meine Freude, Richard Clayderman
(Not really the version I wanted...poor choice)

3. Breathless, the Corrs
(To me, it's the BFF theme song. Yeah, this song reminds me of you guys.)

4. Ozar Midrashim, by Information Society
(As heard in Soul Reaver. The tone of this track captures the betrayal, despair and feel of the world of Nosgoth, of an anti-hero seeking vengence.)

5. That's not my name, the Ting Tings
(Thanks to JL for introing to this great band!)

6. Tsuki no Mayu, Yoko Kanno
(from Turn A Gundam)

7. Lollipop, by Mika
(Tee hee.)

8. Feels like Falling, Mei Chern
(SUPERB Malaysian artist, go and listen to her now!)

9. Inner Universe, Yoko Anno
(from Ghost in the Shell)

10. Freshmen, the Verve Pipe

11. Leon's theme, Michuru Yamane
(from Castlevania, Lament of Innocence)

12. Poker Face, Lady Gaga

13. I saved the world today, Eurythmics

14. The Ballad of Tom Jones, Space and Cerys Matthews
(thanks Froggy!)

15. Rotterdam, the Beautiful South

16. Devotion, Tracy Chapman

17. Head over Heels, Alanis Morrisette

18. Still Alive, Lisa Miskovsky (Teddybears mix)
(If only clubs would play this song sometimes)

19. Rei I
(Rei Ayanami's theme from Neon Genesis Evangelion.)

Used Roxette's style of alternating slow ballads type songs with fast, songs. It works pretty well, keeps the mood of the songs fresh.


I'm still trying to find some other songs though, lost since long ago;

1. Counting Blue Cars, Dishwalla
2. Stay (at home, at work, at play), Ann Louise (from the album Wonder Wheel)
3. Attack of the Killer Tomatoes (intro song)
4. Little Bunny Hop Hop Hop, PDQ Bach

Found a vid for that last one.=:3

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Gym daze II

So I went to the gym.

Mind you, I've been to gyms before. Back at Melaka there was this old gym run by Gan Boon Leong himself. That's a small little gym with some facilities and a cheap membership/entrance fee.

The large gyms in KL are a completely different cup of tea, as you well know. For one thing, the gyms are huge and sprawling with facilities of every kind (except a punching bag) all over the place. Pretty lucrative business. That and these gyms conduct aerobic classes of all kinds. These include Body Jam, Body Combat, Body Step, Body Pump... wait, Body what???

You want me to lift this to the tune "All Things (Just Keep Getting Better)" by Widelife? Isn't that a weeeee bit extreme?

"Pump" in a gym context normally refers to pushing barbells and heavy weights. So the name Body Pump refers to ...musical weight lifting?

Me: So you lift weights to the music?
Jr.: Yes.
Me: Like aerobics workouts, but with heavy weights?
Jr.: Why not?
Me: Am I the only person who sees something wrong with that???

Well, I did it anyway. And yes, it was weight lifting with music, though thankfully Jr. had the sense to give me only 2.5 kg weights on each end of the rod, while he used 5kg weights himself.

(Honestly, it feels kind of embarrassing when someone smaller than you lifts double your weights. No offense, Jr.! )

What was it like? A real work out, surely. But it was the reverse of everything I've heard about how to gain muscle mass. Wasn't it supposed to be few repetitions with heavy weights, not many many maaaaaany repetitions with light weights? And why the heck was the music so, er, 'gay' in taste?

Kind of interesting and fun though, I admit. I had to watch myself as due to the aerobic nature of the workout I was in danger of getting dizzy more than muscle strain. When that happens in full swing, it takes *hours* to shake off. Fortunately, due to experience with that sort of thing I warned Jr. beforehand and he sent me away for a much needed sugar-filled drink of ice lemon tea before continuing.

So I survived my first Body Pump class! Whoohoo! Thanks to Jr. and his bf for inviting me and watching out for me throughout the class.

Pity they don't have punching bags though.


For information on some research on the efficacy of Body Pump, check out this article.

Basically, it appears to be a great way to build muscle endurance, but you don't really expect to see fast gains in muscle mass if you're already quite fit (which I'm not). Interestingly, you stand to lose more fat through Body Pump than the other regimes like Body Jam, Step and Attack and Combat.

There's no doubting it's a good workout for beginners like me though.


*You know your perspective has changed when you start using 'gay' as an adjective in reference to 'gay culture'.

Thursday, March 05, 2009


Driving a new car (or rather, a borrowed car) takes a bit of getting used to. Yeah, I'm using my mum's wheels to get around. One thing I noticed is that the steering wheel is a lot more sensitive. A slight variation in the road surface seems to trigger a strong reaction in the wheel... stronger than my last car anyway.

...or is it that I've become more sensitive?

A part of me is wondering if my last major accident was really the fault of the car (being a twice crashed car), or sheer carelessness on my part on a wet road. I don't think it's the latter, but it if is then I messed up in the worst way possible. Hardly reassuring.

Whatever it is, I'm driving with a bit more trepidation. A bit more care. A bit more aware of my surroundings, about how the car is moving and how the steering wheel feels.

I guess that's a good thing - better now than suffer later.

Wednesday, March 04, 2009

You know you need more exercise when... the morning, you get cramps in the foot that steps on the accelerator. Yes, that muscle group.

You've got to be kidding me. THIS is what's making my foot cramp???

So... gym, anyone?


Friday, February 27, 2009

Teacup ride gone wrong.

Remember this ride as a kid? Apparently it's a very old Disney ride, fashioned after the Mad Hatter's tea party. You'd sit in the cups which spin round and around, alikened to Alice, the hatter and the march hare's experience of an unbirthday party.

A very merry unbirthday to you!

Anyway, I digress. Teacups may spin all they want, but cars certainly should not spin so. No siree. Cars spinning like teacup rides is the epitome of bad. Especially while you're in it.

It happened along the way back from work at night, driving down the highway. It was raining, and I noticed that as I drove along that the car would jerk from side to side a bit at times. Must be the puddles of water I figured, so I went slower. It was odd cos I've been that fast on wet roads before but the car would never behave like that. Recently the car had been acting up - some time ago, after a quick sharp turn it jerked a bit out of control but I thought it wouldn't be a problem now. I was going down the middle lane, moving straight ahead on the highway.

Then it happened. My steering wheel hadn't so much as budged, but the car swerved violently and suddenly to the left. ALL the way left. So much so that it started to spin. Once, twice, three full circles maybe. Maybe more.

I oddly very calm at the time. I just kept my hands on the steering wheel to keep it straight (for all the good that was doing me), and let the car spin itself. Somehow, I wasn't worried that my car spinning completely out of control was going to kill me. So I just let itself spin til it wanted to stop.

And stop it did, after smashing into the barrier on the side of the road. If it had gone through the barrier, I would have dropped down a slope. I was facing the wrong way on traffic, on the lane which lorries travel on.

Since I was unhurt, I immediately set to problem solving. I picked up my umbrella (it was raining heavily), phoned my mum for help and opened the boot to gain access to the triangle at the back. A honking lorry reminded me to flip on my hazard lights, and I gave up on the triangle as I was having trouble finding it and my mum on the phone was insisting I keep of the road. Couldn't really see past the boot to spot oncoming lorries anyway, and I didn't feel like pushing my luck that night.

The rest is just the usual chores after an accident; tow truck, police report, etc.


The oddest thing is, I didn't fear for my life at any point. Not while the car was spinning on the highway (which just so happened not to have cars behind or in front of me at the time, otherwise I'd be dead). Not right after the accident. And not now either. I'd imagine the fact that I could very well have died would have dawned on me by now and sent me reeling... but nope.

I'm finding it very odd, really. It's not like I'd want to die, far from it. I'm actually enjoying my life quite a bit right now, more than I ever have in a long time. Having this part of my life a little longer sure couldn't hurt.

Is it because I knew the speed I was spinning at wouldn't kill me when I hit the divider? (While I was spinning round and round, it occurred to me which side of the road I'd hit and that the crash may not kill me)

Is it because I realized there were no cars behind me at that moment, and cars that would arrive had time to see the spinning car that they could avoid?

If I suddenly faced death again, would I be just as calm? Even though I believe that death is the absolute end, and nothing more awaits me on the other side?

Somehow, I think I would be. I don't quite understand it just yet.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Another one for the rat

Rat: Be my Valentine?

Cat: ... You can't be serious?

Rat: Pretty please? Pretty pretty please? Pretty please with gumballs on top?

Cat: Right, I'm so out of here.

Ah, the pain of love rejected! Tis a love that cannot be...

(Hee. Again, I couldn't resist.)


Not enough for you? Here's a short one.


Monday, February 16, 2009

Boundaries/A.T. Fields

Shinji: A.T. Field!
Kaworu: Yes. You Lilims call it so. The holy region that must not be invaded by anyone. The light of mind. You, Lilims, are aware of that. Aware that the A.T. Field is the wall of mind that everyone has.


What can I say, I love Evangelion. A.T. Fields were forcefields possessed by monsters in the series called 'Angels', rendering invulnerable to all conventional attacks except by the mysterious mecha called Evangelions which could generate and nullify A.T. Fields. (Don't ask what A.T. stands for. It's just stupid)

"At the end of the series, it is revealed that all humans generate AT Fields (which are referred to as the 'light of the Soul'). This in turn is what allows humanity to retain their separate forms and remain fractured among individuals. It is essentially the wall within one's mind that fosters a sense of incompleteness, and is therefore the cause of loneliness and pain (and thus is the root cause of mankind's suffering). To break down these AT Fields is the goal of the Human Instrumentality Project." - The Nerv Archives

So the powerful force field in the anime represented the boundaries between people. Barriers that block the way to closer, more intimate relationships.

These boundaries are things that need to exist, otherwise we have our hearts broken and torn to pieces by the malicious and the good-intent alike. We can't open our hearts completely to everyone we meet. We need to be selective, to draw our physical and mental boundaries.

Boundaries are not always very visible or obvious. People with poor social understanding (like Asperger's for example) may have difficulty recognizing another person's boundaries. For that matter, different people may have different boundaries, coming from different cultures. It's not always obvious.

When is it okay to touch someone's hand? During a date? Only after some affection is established?

What about ruffling one's hair? Who would find it demeaning, who wouldn't?

Poking a friend in the ribs or sides?

Dancing topless in a club together with some friends?

Meeting a friend of the opposite, just the two of you, when one of you is married?

Bringing a meal to your ex?

Is it okay to declare how much you appreciate them as a friend? What if they're interested in going further, but in reality you're not sure?

I think I've been guilty of overstepping someone's boundary recently. A friend of mine was teasing me excessively and being a wee bit mean (I don't remember why anymore, lol. I bear few grudges to my friends!). So I retaliated with a quick squeeze of his buttocks. Ahhhhhh, that felt good. The reaction of shock too was reinforcing. Very satisfying if I do say so myself.

Okay, maybe a little too shocked... erm. Did I make a boo boo again? >.< (So sorry, you know who you are!)



Is it okay for AT Fields to hurt you and others once more?

I don't mind. But, what are you two within my heart?

Hope. The hope that people might be able to understand one another.

And the words 'I love you'.

But that's just pretending - a self-intoxicating belief... like a prayer.
It can't possibly last forever.
Sooner or later I'll be betrayed... And they'll leave me.
Still... I want to meet them again, because I believe my feelings at that time were real.


Click here for a music video (embedding not allowed)

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Weight gain, part 2

So I did some shopping.

1. One loaf of wholemeal bread (high five)
2. Olive oil
3. Peanut butter
4. tomato juice
5. Apple juice
6. Wheat cereal
7. 3 cartons of soya milk for said cereal
8. 200gms of turkey ham
9. Prunes
10. Wholemeal biscuits

...I'm not sure if I'm going to put on weight first, or die of diabetes.

Monday, February 09, 2009

Weight gain

Off again and on again, I've been trying to gain weight throughout my life with little success. Wouldn't be too surprised if I've mentioned it on the blog before. Usually I can maintain a weight of about 64kg or so, but I've never breached that weight. But I kind of suspect that I don't weight that much any more because I haven't been trying very hard to maintain it. What with the recent responsibilities being dumped on me. The other telling fact, well, you know how some people have veins visible on their forearms? Mine are becoming more and more visible all over.

So I bought a weighing scale for my new apartment. I tried it out immediately upon reaching home of course. *Toing* goes the scale... 60kg.


Right, a weight gain program is in order. The trouble is, knowing my body type, indiscriminate fat gain will lead to a bloated, protruding belly while the rest of my body will stay thin. I've never experienced it myself, but let's just say I've seen it in a close relative. Trust me, it looks as bad as it sounds.

So lies the problem of gaining weight and still looking... decent. Solution? Gain muscle mass, not *just* fat mass.

Whatever the case, first thing to do is eat more. Not fat, but more protein and carbo, apparently. Something like that. So for lunch today at Nando's with the guys I had a whole half chicken instead of a quarter, along with side dishes. Alas, the problems associated with high protein intake reared it's ugly head soon enough.

In trying to gain weight but stay flat (stomached), I had to suffer flatulence the whole day. (Sorry Alex!)

Maybe I should just stock my fridge instead.

Saturday, January 31, 2009

Freedom to hang out (or 3 thoughts about cliques)

This happened a long time ago, at a party I hosted at my house for ALL the students for a very very popular tuition teacher. Hardly knew a great deal of the people there (different classes).

Halfway during the party, a girl asked me, "Why aren't you sitting with your friends?"

She had gestured towards the row of 'nerds' from my class. Now, I hardly knew this girl though she apparently knew my name (I generally don't remember girl's faces well - no interest). The 'nerds' were pleasant fellows who I got on with fairly well, and I then realized they were hardly moving from their spot.

"Why sit when I can walk around to talk to everyone? I'm not stuck to a certain group of friends you know."

She looked skeptical. I vaguely remember being annoyed, since it was obvious she had classified me as "nerd" material hence I belonged in the "nerd" clique.

"I'm a floater. Not attached to any cliques. Floats between them. Got it?"

Not to say I went out all that often those days. But whatever.

I doubt the girl was convinced with my explanation. I don't really wonder how she came to her conclusions that I belonged with the "nerds"(I'm quiet, wear specs, good at studies and almost never talk to girls). What did bother me was the fact that she seemed to think that I was being disloyal to my clique - not admitting they were my clique in front of a girl because they were "nerds".

Which begs a point about her concept of cliques. According to her logic, I should be loyally sitting in one spot with my own clique of friends. As if it was an unwritten rule that you must stay in your own clique, since being "nerds" all they had was each other. For this to be true, the different cliques apparently have impenetrable barriers between them which must never be crossed. No intermingling between cliques should take place, especially if you're a nerd.

As if friendships are exclusive! Sheesh. Just as well I'm not interested in girls.


Not long ago, a friend lamented that someone isn't hanging out with us anymore and spends more time with another group of friends.

"That's okay. It's not like we're not still friends with him."

He felt as if we had been abandoned.

"No lah. Sometimes he spends time with us also. Maybe he's more comfortable with them or has reasons why he wants to spend more time with them. I can see plenty of reasons why, and none of the reasons are anything personal. He doesn't owe us anything, so he's free to find the most happiness in life."

Some reasons why some friends may be nicer to hang out with; same 'wavelength', same preferred language, same interests, same beliefs, same culture... the list is endless. And most of the reasons are nothing personal.


Let me propose a theoretical situation. (No, it's not real)

Let's say John and Harry are Christian PLUs. They go to church together, and talk about faith issues together as gay men.

John and another friend, Mike, enjoy watching Anime. Their favourite activity together is to go to animecons and talk about their favourite shows, especially the shonen-ai. (Mike is also gay)

Mike and Harry however, do not get along. Let's say it's because the two just broke up. And now they're starting to get annoyed with John that he also chooses to hang out with their ex as well.

Should John have to choose between his two friends? Do Mike and Harry have a right to ask him to choose one friend or the other?

I hope I'll never need to be in such a situation as John.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Too much gambling? & Words speak louder than actions?

I don't actually enjoy gambling. Games like blackjack and 'in-between' are favorites among my old high school friends, and when we gather at each others' houses we're certain to play either one or the other. These two games require very little skill and a lot of lady luck, generally speaking. I try my best to count cards but they put in house rule after the other so that its more and more luck based. (As you've likely guessed by now, I made a net loss)

So why have I spent sooooo much time gambling this time around? I must have spent as much time gambling as I have been eating Chinese dinners, and I can assure you I'm already sick of Chinese dinners! Fortunately I haven't been losing too much due to moderate bets.

Truth be told, I just want to stay in the presence of my old friends from high school. I hardly call them out at any other time of the year - in part because they don't speak English much whenever they gather. You could say I've been trained to be quiet at gatherings from primary school because everyone is speaking in Mandarin or Hokkien. it gets boring.

But I guess by just being there I'm trying to show in my own way that I still want to be friends, no matter the differences or distances. We grew up together, after all.


I think I'm starting to see a pattern in my own behaviour. (I generally understand myself and people through patterns of behaviour) Being generally un-expressive and (let's face it) boring, I don't really have any good means to make myself *interesting* and attractive. I think that the only means I express my is through actions. Sure actions speak louder (or more truthfully at least) than words, but I have only actions and very little in the form of 'words' or other forms of expressions. I don't have the qualities that make people immediately open up to me, or take more interest in me. So I rely on doing things or making sacrifices to show my sincerity.

I think Alex and Paul would know a bit about that. >.>

I think this was true in my last relationship. (Sorry Shane! I'm not making negative comments about you, but saying something about myself.) While I was trying to show my sincerity through my actions, I sometimes wondered if I was truly loved for who I was rather for what I did. There was often someone else who drew more attention, someone more interesting and exciting than me. I'm not the jealous sort so I didn't mind that much (I'm surprised too) - I had eventually figured that it didn't matter because he would come back to me in the end. But there were times it did hurt. Because I think it was me who wasn't interesting enough.

"I kind of see what you saw in Shane. He's so much fun," my mum had said.

Somebody asked me what I saw in a person I was interested in. The bigger question is, what do I hope people to see in me to be interested in me? I know I can pull my own weight in a relationship, so to speak. I've proven it to myself. But it seems that isn't enough.

This appears to be another reason to the feeling of doom I've had since the day I decided to look for a male partner; that fear of being alone in the end.

It's late. Time to sleep.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

In case I forgot anyone...


It's the year of the Ox - hopefully that and Obama-mania can minimize the effect of the anticipated recession and give you good fortune!



Right after writing that I realized it wasn't very encouraging. @.@ Let's try that again.


This new year, may you get lots of Ang Pau from all your married relatives and friends! Tip: If they ask you about girlfriends or getting married, tell them you just broke up. Shuts them up immediately! ;)

Omigawd! I'm so sorry I asked, can we change topics?

Friday, January 23, 2009


Hrm. I have the feeling as if my skills in my field of work are getting a bit rusty. Lecturing is getting a bit tedious too. Maybe its lecturing from other people's notes that feel too general and not useful. Maybe its the fact that I'm lecturing in BM. Or, more likely, it's the after effects of disillusionment with the Malaysian university culture. I mean everyone knows its bad, but to see first hand just *how* bad it is kind of upset me I think.

I think the culture shock has effected my will to work. Perhaps I should have just concentrated on my own studies and not even taken the stupid job, contractual or not. But it's a little late for that now.

Maybe talking to the people I look up to in the field will cheer me up. I don't know.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

A conversation

Xavier: are u getting yourself out there in the field??
go get to know more
dont just see the next one and focus

me: kakah

Xavier: see the next 10 then select
then focus

me: you're right of course
i think i'm moving on anyway

Xavier: it just sounded like u are focusing on the next one in line
which is no no NO

me: you're right again
(It's good to have friends who point out where you're going wrong, isn't it?)

the good one comes along
by itself

(Do they really? Do I really believe that?

At the back of my mind, there lingers doubt if I'll ever find my mate. Doomed to be alone; a curse for jumping down the rabbit hole. For choosing to abandon the faith which I served for so long.

This is fear. I'm not desperate anymore, really I'm not. I don't really depend on someone else to bring me happiness. I'm quite happy being alone right now, even if the house is a bit lonely at times. But I am afraid. I don't need someone right now, but I don't want to be alone at the end of the day. That wouldn't justify the sacrifices made and the pain of such irony would be too great.

And that fear is driving my heart.)

me: i think you hit it on the nail

Xavier: i tend to be direct

me: yeah, thanks

Xavier: thanks to unstable internet lines partly

me: i needed that
i'll spread my friendship net wide
and make fren fren only

Xavier: dont limit, as in dont say htis must be fren\
this must be love
get to know a person as a person
what comes naturally will be sweet
serious sweet

me: orrrrrrrrh
okay okay

Xavier: interest will gather the right people
habits will either repel or attract even more
then the courtship will start by itself
THAT's the more FUN part of it~~~

me: alright...
i think
let's let that sink in awhile...

Xavier: yes, it needs to time sink it
and u may know it in the brain, it's getting the heart to trust that
that's the toughy

Guilty as charged.

The plan has alllllways been to make friends, then let relationships come naturally. Can't have too many friends, so its a win-win strategy. But Xavier had to remind me not to jump on the nearest semi-interesting fellow that came my way.

...isn't that how my last relationship started? I jumped in without getting to know the person as a friend first?

Geez. You'd think I'd learn not to do that by now. I guess some lessons take awhile to learn.
So right. Time to tame the hungry heart. Just be more social, talk to more people. Forget about 'finding' love - let it come to me.

This could take a while to sink in. I've got some idea how to go about this, but could be tricky.

Time will tell.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Year of break-ups?

"It's normal for a relationship to last only 2-3 years"

The context was past relationships, talking with a certain 37-year old doctor whom I haven't figured a pseudoname for on this blog yet. (I'm not even sure why I bother making them up sometimes. Oh well, gotta give those stalker-type people some challenge, right?)

Huh. My own past relationship lasted that long. As a matter of fact, I remember reading somewhere that romantic love aka chemistry aka effect of hormones dies out after 1.5 to 2 years. Heck, I very quickly found a site saying that the average marriage only last about 2.5 years. In fact, here's another.

I knew about this 2-year period thing long before my first relationship. It irks me greatly that the duration of my relationship was foretold by BBC news. I guess I have to console myself that hormones had little to do with the reasons for my own break-up; although it could have been part of the reason for staying together in the first place. Meh.

How long have most of my friends been in a relationship so far?... About 2 years?

The thought is a scary one. Well, hopefully everyone else put more thought into their choice of mate than I did. Or at least have developed healthier, longer lasting relationships.

I'm not interested in the past. But I do feel lonely in my new apartment sometimes. I should have seen that coming, huh?

Thursday, January 08, 2009

One for the rattie & new year rush???

As the vid description goes: Rats loves tolerates rats.

Sorry, but couldn't resist. :P


Whoa! Suddenly I've been pounced upon by job opportunity! Either that or a chance to be helplessly exploited and dragged into ridiculous office politics. Hrm.

I've very suddenly gotten very busy over the course of the new year. I find myself planning my activities every day to make sure I get my chores done, and this new job possibility has taken a toll on that. I'm still keeping ahead right now, just barely.

I wonder why this is so? Is a sudden rush of activity a common post break-up thing? I haven't had a chance to play any games, which are my lifelong vice. Maybe I'm just passing through another stage of my life.

Well, I'm pretty tiring. Off to bed I go.

Thursday, January 01, 2009

End the year with a bang

Just two days before the new year, I had an accident. It happened while I was curtain hunting. I had stopped on the road because a car had stopped a moment in front of me to buy something at the shops. While I was waiting, a parked truck backed into my car from the side.It's the blind spot of the car and I wasn't expecting him to back out, so I hadn't honked. Turns out the truck was a bread seller and his rear view mirror was blocked by all the bread so he didn't see me. Guy had the cheek to insist I was in the wrong because I didn't honk to stop him. Yes, he pissed me off.

My car was only dented slightly, so the guy knew for a fact I wouldn't report the accident (I'd have nothing to gain) so refused to compensate me. I was pretty irate and wanted to report just to spite him (he'd get fined RM200-300) but my mum and step father talked me out of it. They're right - pointless accident, and I don't really want the money; just vindication. But the pride isn't all that important and the guy sells bread all day to make a living. Not worth the effort of going through an arduous police report and I have better things to do.

I got a parking ticket too within a few hours after the accident for leaving my car awhile... that's another RM100. Meh.


In other news, I had an eventful day on new year's eve itself. The gang and I watched Australia together, and I have to say I was quite impressed. Acceptable plot for it's genre, believable characters, good acting, great scenes, considerate filming and portrayal of real issues... sappy movies aren't really my thing but if they're all this good I wouldn't mind watching more.

After the movie, we went carpet hunting. I needed a new carpet for my new apartment, and my two home improvement consultants (Adik and Paul) provided me with excellent advice for the selection.

Isn't it great? Even my mum thought it was perfect for the current colors. It was a pretty hard choice to make when viewing all the different carpets available (newbies at stuff like this like myself tend too have that problem), but in the end this one was the winner.

The finale was a party/potluck with the friends I've made over the last two years (you know who you are!). The food (potluck) was excellent (thanks guys!) and the company more so. Even my brother came over to visit and played some party games with us before calling it a night. It was a night of laughter and fellowship, and thankfully, void of drama.

I'm quite happy with my new year's eve. :)


In other news, look who's back!

For some reason, his presence in my new flat isn't very reassuring though.