In another moment down went Alice after it, never once considering how in the world she was to get out again.

Monday, July 31, 2006

Online Lectures & Deja Vu

Dum dee dum, reading through unit outline, should be pretty boring...hold up, what's this???

"In order to complete this unit, you must have internet access."

What the? *reads carefully* Letsee, compulsory participations of discussions on online bulletin board, compulsory online quizes, all lectures are Internet lectures (audio or video, downloadable), course materials available online...holy crap, they're serious about needing internet! All of these goodies available from unit website, needs password to access...

Which I don't have yet, since it takes 5 working days after enrolment apparently, and I enrolled last Thursday. Hurrah. At least it seems I'm not the only one in my course with the same problem.


Okay, you people want to hear more about the room mate that i suspected of being gay right? I'm pretty sure he isn't right now- he's been spending quite a bit of time in close proximity to the fairer sex. (that's women, btw)

There was something about him which was familiar though, but I couldn't place it for a long time. Until recently.

The other day, I figured it out when he spoke in Spanish on the phone. He reminded me of someone - from the posture, men's health magazines, thin, way he talked, the talking in Spanish, the whole metrosexual gay ambigousness combined with interest in women. He reminde me of *that* person back in Subang Jaya. Someone I hate.

There's not many people who've done anything to me personally to warrant my extreme dislike of them. I can only think of two right now, but this person from Subang is the greater. Don't really feel like going through the details, and perhaps if it weren't for this person I would have had to face being gay a lot later. But his intentions were always selfish and totally uncaring of the suffering of others. And boy was I suffering then.

But that was so long ago. I checked myself when I came to this realisation, while I was cooking and listening to him gabber away in Spanish. Did it still hurt? No, it didn't, fortunately.

So I kept on cooking mabo tofu with too much tofu and too much ground beef, making a note to stay friendly but not be so assuming of the goodness of people around me.


Another housemate: Smells nice, what is it?
Me: That's tofu...
another housemate: UGH! Tofu! I ahte the stuff! *quickly backs away*
Me: ...

My cooking always seems to smell better than it tastes. Grrr.

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Recipe Improvision & Late night surprise

Things that I improvised for my aunt's Chicken Rice mark II recipe (basicaly marinate the chicken and cook it with the rice in the rice cooker):

1. Use by date for chicken was yesterday! Gotta cook it all...but it can't fit in mum's little microwave rice cooker. So I had to boil the chicken rice in a pot instead of the usual rice cooker. *gasp! Horror!*
2. Powdered garlic and ginger from a shaker. My aunt/mentor would *not* approve.
3. No chinese mushrooms? Use them western ones. Er, I think.
4. How long does it take to cook rice in a pot? Uh...shit, it's still wet. Do I stir it? Crap crap crap...
5. Oops, forgot to add salt while cooking. Erm... a little soy sauce later will take care of that.
6. Not enough vege in this recipe... eh, some fresh lettuce with a little soy sauce and sesame oil from chicken rice recipe mark I will do. I think. With cherry tomatoes. Yay.

The end result? I've eaten the stuff for three meals already, but can't decide if it's brilliant or a culinary tragedy. Go figure.


Last night I was up late, playing Baldur's gate two of all things. heh, gotta continue the adventures of the Warf Magician, after all, lest Woggles gets all grumpy. Hey, he can be quite vicious with the inflatable "Hello Kitty" hammer, k?

Feeling a little peckish (prolly thanks to the weather, brrr), I went downstairs. Nearly missed spotting a housemate sleeping on the couch in his dress shirt and jeans, back door wide open and heater off. It was freezing.

When I first got here, I was almost *sure* this guy was gay. The body posture, the gymming, the love for shopping, the interest in cooking, the men's health magazine... heck, he even noticed the "Man First" t-shirt that I wore *just* to get his attention. But he'd been flirting with the female company of his friends and talked about getting married himself...oh well.

Anyway, what to do with this sleeping fellow? First thing, close the back door to shut out the morning chill. Brrr. Turn on the heater, grab the extra blanket from my room and put it over the poor guy slowly so as not to wake him. Considered just waking the guy and sending him to a proper bed (his own! Shush!), but I thought I'd better just let him sleep. Up to bed I went myself, like all good bunnies should. :)

This morning, I woke up late, went down and collected my blanket in a heap on the opposite coach. I don't think he realised who had loaned it to him. Heh. :p

Monday, July 24, 2006

Supernova & Setttling in

In a few hours, the sun was about to explode. Fortunately, I was one of few people chosen to be saved, alotted a shelter along with an old friend of mine, SF. As SF and I made final preparations, we waved away our friends good bye. A final good bye.

We packed, checked, and made sure we had everthing we needed in the shelter. But my mind was racing.

I couldn't take it anymore. I started to walk for the shelter's exit.

"Where are you going?" SF asked, obviously concerned.(Are you abandoning me?)

"I'm sorry," was all I could say. And I left hurriedly through the door, leaving SF alone. There wasn't time to explain, time to argue.

I looked around. Someone hadn't left the station yet. It was a friend, not a very close one, but a good one. She would do. As I approached, she looked up at me surprised.

"I can't do this," I told her, "I'd like you to take my place."
I was lying.

"What?" It took her awhile to take it in. But she didn't take up my offer, at least not right away. She looked this way and that, shaking her head and trying to make a decision. She so wanted to take my place. To be saved, to live. I was almost in tears with anxiety.

(Please, say no)

Finally, she looked at me and said sighing, "No, I don't want this." (Not like this)

I smiled and kissed her on the forehead. "Thank you. I love you."

And with that, I hurried back into the shelter, the doors closing behind me.


I woke up from the dream in the wee hours of the morning on a bed in the spare hotel room. A little jet lagged and a little annoyed.

My first thought? "Gods, (with drama like this) who needs television?"


What was I doing there anyway? Since so many days have passed, I'll have to summarise.

first day: Arrive. Go to temp accomodation. Stay awake til 11pm to stave away jet lag. Sleep.
second day: Take 'shortcut' recommended by receptionist to permament accomodation ("Just follow the line of students moving about", only there were no students this early). Shoulders still hurt from that. Meet housemates, go for Orientation. Groceries and microwave dinner.
Thrid day: Bus to Sydney city for baby party! Four hour lunch affair surrounded by many strangers and a few relatives (phew!). Hitch a ride with relative I don't recognise. Get SIM card. Spam SMSes like crazy (wee!). More groceries and microwave dinner.
Fourth day: Bus to Sydney city again. Spend whole day with relatives, oogling and playing with incredibly fat baby. Sleep over at grandparent's hotel room, phone running out of battery power (boo!).
Fifth day: Curse own over-imaginative mind for soap opera dreams. Try train back this time (BIG mistake! never again). Got totally rained on (brrrr). Stumble about uni for internet. That's where I am now. :)

Monday, July 17, 2006

No hiatus?

Hmm. Looks like I have internet after all. At least in KL. I'm staying with my mum now, just relaxing. Didn't really plan a proper blog post though. :p

Mrrr... feeling laaaaazy. :)

Brother's moved to new apartment with step-brother and his friend. They seem to be doing fine so far. My brother's friend is haaaairy. And straight.

(warning, DOTA post!)
I, my brotehr and his friend played DOTA at a cafe. At my brother's insistence, we played a DU game and all of us took Night Stalker. Eternal night...we owned. Or rather, I owned. I acted as the gem carrier since there were two Stealth Assasain. I kept it all the way...dying only twice after that. First time they got it back for me right away, second time I had Aegis.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006


Who are you?
You’re different from the way I remember you.
Full of purpose
You knew what you wanted, everything was going for you
Everything was right

That all died
You believed in an illusion and it betrayed you
It drove you to your knees, filled your thoughts with dread
Forced to loathe yourself and what you were
And what you couldn’t stop yourself doing
The world was spinning out of control
You were trapped and in pain

You’ve pulled yourself out of that pit
You survived somehow, but are you stronger for it?
You’ve left so much of yourself behind
So much that was an intricate part of you
Torn out, discarded, mourned
The wounds have healed, but the gaps remain
Holes where there once was things that were you

I don’t recognize you anymore.

Suddenly vulnerable
Loneliness has set in
You’ve fallen into Wonderland, a world you don’t understand
One you were never prepared for
The rules have changed, how much must you change with them?
How much of yourself can you hope to maintain?

That isn’t all.

Now you must become yet someone else
Someone stronger
One who can control his desires
And take up the yoke of responsibility for the lives of others
Grow up? You must become more than that
For you hope to step over places where so many have failed
You are not strong enough as you are
Not matured enough, nor wise
Will you ever be?

Change is difficult, but there isn’t much time
Change, or you will fail as you are
Change, or give up your dreams
Change, or give in to doom and hopelessness
Change, until you no longer know who you are

Who am I now?
I don’t know anymore.
I’ll have to find it again, someday
Somewhere along the way
Maybe after the change

More bloggers meet & Hiatus

Recently some bloggers came over to my little town, specifically Defiant, Pod and boyfriend Nelson, Famezgay and Harvey. Like most Malaysians, it was mostly bringing them around to eat food, food and more food. Luckily I’ve showed enough people around to know what to bring them to in spite of not being fond of food myself. Sorta.

But as Defiant put it, “Aiya, so many gay men get together but no action one. Like straight guys meeting only…” I think he said this when all of us were in the sauna together and half nekid (except the two lovers, for obvious reasons).

Heh. Not really. I can’t talk with my straight friends the same way as with my gay friends. And I don’t have to bear the over discussed topics of women, football and hand phones quite as much. And it’s fun teasing Harvey in the sauna…though he got me back for that later in the bedroom. Too much lah you Harvey! Hmph! ;)


Ladeedaa…getting packed, filing all my documents, and some last minute studying before I go.

It’s odd. It's like it hasn’t actually sunk in that I’m really leaving Malaysia for one year yet. Excitement level minimal. Ditto apprenhension.

It’s not like I’m staying with my mum anymore. There’s my brother, but as much as I love him I mostly put up with his behavior. I hardly ever see my old school friends who are busy getting married or building up enough money to get married. My blogger friends are usually in KL and I mostly communicate with them through blogs. And as planned, I’ve not picked up a boyfriend just before leaving for Oz.

I’m not really leaving much behind.

Oh well. Soon I’ll have to unsubscribe my internet connection here since no one will be using it – my brother’s going to live in KL after I leave. So this is a short goodbye for now, dear blog.

Sunday, July 09, 2006

Wedding fetching & Man

Started the morning with the bride fetching band – traditional thing where the groom and his best men make a trip to the bride’s house to fetch her to his place. They planned it so in the end we had a dozen cars, yes *12*, dressed with decorations, and driving over to the girl’s place. Kinda overdoing it really, but I guess they want it to be grand. :)

Once there, we had to contend with the brides maids who had prepared…challenges. The groom and his merry men had to chug down various concoctions (including an almost pure vinegar drink), eat raw bitter gourd, oh and somebody particularly fat on our team had to perform kama sutra like moves with the groom. Yay. The singing and tongue twisters and discussion of ang pau was done outside a room with big red Chinese lettering where the bride was supposed to be.

Yeah, right. Since that was an obvious misdirection, I took to looking for where the bride really was during all the singing. One room close by had a girl stationed just outside it, possibly guarding it. So while she was distracted by the discussion of money, I took the opportunity check it out. At first I was about to pick it open, but it turned out it wasn’t locked. So I turned the handle and took a peak inside. Helllooooo bride. I shut it again though – gotta be sporting, after all. :) They locked the door soon after. I think the poor guard was kinda flustered.

Once the best men finally opened the wrong door, I let them know where the bride really was. Didn’t need to pick it open even – through a bit of confusion they had to let in an auntie who wanted something in the room and we didn’t let the door close again.

Eh, keyhole looked to small for my set of pick locks anyway. :p


Wedding dinner was cool. Got to be usher for all the high school-ers. Yay me.

I do like these guys. They may not be as much fun as the bloggers (as they run through the same joke of making people drink *every* party). But there is one thing I’m beginning to appreciate from them, things I should have learnt myself but didn’t. Simply, that it is the responsibility of the man in the house to provide for the means of living for the whole family. Yeah yeah, I should know that. But what does that mean to me, someone who hopes to be a father someday myself? That means I’ve got to be dependable, responsible, and prepared to put away most of my leisure hours for the sake of the household. But in our modern world, being the bread winner isn’t enough. The man in the house should take time to be close to the children, particularly boys, and be a good role model to teach them how much responsibility will fall on them as a man. Somehow, I don’t think I got enough of that when I was young.

Still not there yet. But someday...

Friday, July 07, 2006

Old friends before the wedding

Tomorrow is my friends wedding, so tonight he had an open house gathering to eat and meet with old friends before the thing tomorrow morning.

My friends like to talk in Mandarin or Hokkein. Or is it Kantonese? Anyway, I can’t follow the conversation when they do. So I can’t help but be left out for much of the conversation. It’s always been like that. Having not much else to do, I find myself just sitting around waiting for them to start saying things in English. It’s painful.

Something they give me the idea that a few of them suspect that I’m gay already. When naming bachelors, my name never pops up although I’m right there with them. Not that it matters, but it’s just one of those odd things because I don’t fit the stereotype. But there are a few hints, like the sudden fall from faith for no real explanation and the total disinterest in women. So I guess it shouldn’t come as a surprise if some of them suspect.

I've been invited to join them to play futsal, before the actual wedding. I don't feel up to it, but I should go. I like playing with them actually, but somehow my heart isn't really in it. Eh, tomorrow morning should be enough fun anyway. :)

I went home early, saying I was still not well and shouldn’t sleep too late since we have something to do tomorrow morning. I drove home feeling a little sad – I’m not sure why exactly. I guess it’s because I don’t really feel connected to most of my old friends.

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Pods & Masam

I was lying in bed, bemoaning my when I felt an itch in my nose. Sticking my finger in, I tugged and dug out a peapod. It was black, as if it had been there for awhile. Ewww.

But my nose was still itchy, so I stuck in my finger again and dug out…another black peapod. I put the two pods in my left hand and began digging at my itchy nose again. You guessed it, another peapod. This went on for a bit, although one time I pulled out a “pak choy”. Okay, now that was just plain annoying cos its long, and *wet*.

It did occur to me halfway that I was dreaming (duh! I was pulling out vegetables from my nose!), especially since the peapods that I had been collecting kept disappearing on me. Or maybe they were reappearing back in my nose. Anyway, that didn’t stop me from getting up and showing my brother what I pulled out from my nose to see the look on his face. :P

Eventually, I really woke up with an itch in my nose. So I stuck my finger in, and pulled out the nose ‘sai’ that had been giving me weirdo dreams.


Mum: Please check through your winter wear and have them washed. And your shirts that you don't usually wear, check if they smell masam and need to be washed.
Me: Okay, later...
Mum: Do it now! Do it now! Do it now! Do it now! Now now now now now!
Me: Alright, fine! Yeesh...
(me sorts through clothes)
Me: Letsee, got masam smell or not? (sniff sniff)
Me: ...
(Me has cold)
Me: You know, I really should have seen that one coming.

Monday, July 03, 2006

Farewell party

7.30pm at Thank God It's Friday, the time and venue for my farewell party among my blogger friends. I arrived at TGIF right on time, and to my surprise I found tables filled with my school mates. I was happy to see them of course, and took a seat and chatted with a few, wondering when the bloggers would arrive. Everyone was still waiting for food, and with all the tables. I even met a few people that I thought I'd never see again due to some bad blood between us. I was only to happy too see him here.

When no blogers came forth, eventually it clicked. These were my straight friends. None of them were invited to my party. And none of the bloggers were here. Doing the math...this wasn't my party. Not only that, I wasn't invited to this one. Never mind that now - I must have got the wrong TGIF and I was missing my own farewell party. (Getting upset can come later) So I left hastily, looking for the right TGIF.

There was TGIF, just one floor up! And the stairs up were nearby. Only the whole place was flooded and flowing away from the stairs (as empahsized by speakers announcing the obvious and apologising for the inconvienience) And the stairs were stairs that led up to TGIF was completely covered in toys, all boxed and no doubt very expensive to step on.

As I slowly waded against the really strong flowing water and tried to manuveure across the toys without stepping on them, all I could think was that I was going to make it to the party or die trying.

Then I woke up from the dream, lying in my stepbrother's extra bed. It was 5.30pm - lots of time to prepare for the real party at 7.30 that day.

Yes, I really had this dream just before coming to the party. Woohoo.


First off, thank you to Derek, Xavier and Alex who helped organize the party for me. You put in all the work and thought leaving me to only worry about enjoying the fruits. Thanks. :)

Secondly, thanks to everyone that came. I’m sorry that I wasn’t feeling that well, but I’m glad everyone seemed to have a good time.

In the end, the guests who made it were Xavier, Joshua, Alex, Paul, Legolas, myself, Silentside, Derek, Chris, Harvey, Mc Dave, and Defiant, seated in that order.

Derek was the first one I met before the dinner, just outside the Pharmacy where I was getting Strepsils for my cough. Chris was busy doing a facial, his first ever (RM120…word). Couldn’t recognize him at first with the mask on, hee. I haven’t seen Derek and Chris for quite awhile since Derek moved to Singapore. Nice to see them again. Chris, UPDATE YOUR BLOG!

Doctor Paul and Leggy were at the restaurant first. They got me slippers. Just what I needed too! Apart from a new wallet that is. And a wonderful boyfriend. No wait, I’m going to Oz. Crap. Doctor Paul, charming as usual with his banter and Leggy charming with fewer words. Anyway, they had to leave early cos they had appointments the next morning. Awww.

Young Silentside was a little uncertain of coming at first to meet all these gay men for the first time in his life and even said he had to go home early as soon as he arrived, repeatedly. He ended staying with us til the end, about 11.30pm I think. Thanks for coming Silentside, told you you wouldn’t regret it.  Sorry for forgetting to stay outside your house a little longer as your mum requested, I totally forgot in my groggy state. Eh heh. BTW, you are a queeeeeeeen! In case you didn’t know. ;) And a real hit; if you update you’re bound to attract them all. *hint hint*

Mc Dave and Defiant, those naughty duo, got me underwear. Super skanky underwear. Nice…but, when on earth will I wear them?!? (I’m just glad it wasn’t a dildo like I first thought from the bottle they put it in. Hehe) Thanks guys.

Alex’s attention was definitely…somewhere else. Heh. Nuff said.

Xavier was the latest, coming from shopping. Don’t worry, we don’t mind dear. Much. ;) He got me this really loud shirt with the words ‘Man first’ on it. Sooooo obvious right? Again…when on earth will I wear it? Pengsan aku. :) Thanks, Xavier.

Joshua got me a piggy! So cute and it even goes oink oink when you squeeze the right spot. (not there you pervert!) ...but maybe I’ve got a bit *too* many soft toys now. Room is getting crowded. :p Nice meeting him for the first time, but didn’t really get around to chatting with him as much as I wanted. Oh well, there’s always next time.

Same with Harvey I’m afraid. Hope I can catch you again sometime. About Harvey…somehow, some part of me was expecting a guy with sad puppy dog eyes. Hee. Wishful thinking.

The food, was, of course, overpriced. Quite well cooked I guess, although for the price they charged me they should have given me better quality meat for my spaghetti (cartilage). But I wasn’t feeling up to eating anyway.

We chatted, we ate, we bitched, we joked, we gossiped, we mimicked the football fans seated around us, we had lots of fun. The air conditioning broke down near the end so we had to go. After a repeatedly delayed farewell, we had to part ways. I sent Silentside home (forgetting his mother’s request, sorry!) and then brought Defiant and Mc Dave back to Mc Dave’s pad for sleep before I headed home myself the next day (eventually, see Defiant’s blog for details).

Sleep? Did I say sleep? You really expect me to sleep well after a big meet like this, given how well I slept all the other times? Heh. Not to mention the flu has been waking me up at odd hours in spite of tiredness. Gah.