In another moment down went Alice after it, never once considering how in the world she was to get out again.

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Not gay enough & New friends

Why is every straight person I know telling me I'm not gay enough? My mum tells me I'm too selekeh and untidy to be gay, my friends can't believe it and my brother tells me I *should* start behaving more 'gay'. He even tells me I should wear 'the bloody' ear rings. (ugh!)

It's not as if my behaviour is typical of your average straight guy. I don't watch football (FIFA cup? bah, humbug), talk about handphones, talk about cars, talk about women (well, granted). But I grew up surrounded by straight guys in all boys schools. How I am expected to be act like some sorta queen? Heck, what are they expecting of me?

Since when is 'gay' an adjective in the sense of behaviour and attitude? I'm already trying to change enough things about myself so I can be a good parent and partner later. I don't want to change the parts of me that I'm already comfortable with. Heck, he whole point of this 'path' is to be honest to myself, and being who I am.


...interesting. Lately, I've been doing a LOT of chatting. I actually have material to blog, just no time and energy to do so. I've also discovered flirting. Oh, what has ever become of me! Oh well. I never profesed to be some kinda saint anyway. :p

I wish I wasn't leaving. All these new friends I have, I do care about. But we're all so far away. What are we normally like, when our best foot isn't put forward? Most of the day? For that matter, can you really tolerate me? I want to know. Few people where I am now, and then I'm going away for a year. I can't deny that I've placed some interest in the friends I'm making now. (yes, plural. And yes, interest in *that* sense). But it wouldn't work to start anything now. I don't even know anyone that well yet.

I wish our lives were a little simpler. But I can't complain. I don't think I've ever been this happy for a long time now.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Power - who wears the pants?

(Obviously, i'm back from Oz. :) )

Lately my brother says I'm becoming very bossy. Which is odd (and very vexing), considering he must have things his way *all* the time and his opinion *must* be heard and agreed with. Hmph.

In my mum's previous marraige, she had just about no say in daily decisions once my father stepped in. Nowadays she calls most of the shots, and she's enjoying it. Papa's understanding so he lets her but he knows his limits. One phrase caught my attention; "Let's go to Handorf. Papa would really like to go."

Decision making carries respoinsibility; making the best choice in view of everyone's interests. Emphasis on 'everyone'. The dominant partner must be able to consistently balance his/her partner's interests against his/her own. NOT an easy task. In modern times though the relationship won't last if someone is always giving without receivng.

Tradionally this problem is solved in straight marraiges by the woman submitting to the husband. It's a natural consequence of the man being in the bread winner - He holds POWER. No wonder divorce is more rampant nowadays. Even an aunt of mine who's been quite happily married for decades told me "Sometimes I feel fed up with him. I can't be the only one giving and giving."

I don't think I can do that - consistently anticipate my partner's needs. I don't think I can only follow without any say either. But I've been the ruler of my life for so long - can I accomodate a joint decision maker? I can love my partner, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't love myself too. Where do I end, and you begin?

I have to find someone willing to stumble through the mistakes with me first.

Monday, May 22, 2006

Short trip to Adelaide prt 2

Breakfast at a countryside town this morning, it goes by the name of Handorf. Most of us had Devonshire tea, which consists of tea or cofee served with scones and a generous amount of cream and jam. Me, I also had papa's mushrooms. And papa's sausage. And someone's tomato. And mama's (grandma's) pork choppy thingy that I can't name to save my life. It all got dumped on my plate without me asking (or wanting). Food's been one of the major features of this trip (seafood is relatively cheaper, so go knock yourself out on oysters, prawns and the like) Really, I'm starting to feel like one of those overstuffed lazy roos back at Cleland.

Nice view of the Australian countryside- with German stylings to boot. In autumn the trees shower down red, emerald and golden leaves onto sidewalks from twisted, dry branches. Crops grow on rolling hills, complete with gently flowing creeks. I could think of a few avid (rabid?) photographers who would have liked to come here.

Me? I've been craving for my internet fix all day. :p Hey, I'm too used to using it for social purposes, to the point that I'm not spending enough time on my relatives when I'm at their place. Instead I'll be chatting and writing on da internet. Hence why I'm willing to pay 1 Ozzie dollar per ten minutes just to blog in this expensive internet cafe. Ack.

Later we saw the world's biggest (and unridable) rocking horse. Ho hum. Got a park close by where I met some avians and a pony. The cages for the birds have the sign "We all take fingers, no matter how friendly we appear!". Is it any surprise we were just a little perturbed by aggressive black swans that home in on the people carrying the bird food and honk very loudly? Yeeks.

Going home tomorrow.


I'm a little worried about my grandpa. He's isn't getting any younger as the days go past - we just celebrated his 85th birthday. Mama (grandma) is getting worried too, though she doesn't show it.

Not to say he hasn't had a full life. Far from it- I think he's done an excellent job so far. I hope it will be a lot further. In fact, I kinda envy him sometimes. He's lived to see his great grand child. His own parents never got to live to see their great grand children.

When all the physical beauty is gone but the faithfulness remains the same, stronger from the bonds built over the many years of trials together. Right now, I can only dream...

Saturday, May 20, 2006

Short trip to Adelaide prt1

Here I am in Adelaide, to attend my grandpa's birthday bash(es) and get a little time with my relatives who live here to boot.

My employer back at work did not hide his disatisfaction that I had taken a week's leave for this whole trip just before stopping work, what with all the new staff needing training and the lack of senior staff. Well, I had given them notice *months* ago, so it's their fault for not taking more care to keep their senior staff in the first place.

I spent the first day asleep, mostly. Hey, I was really knackered. On top of the minor jet lag, I suspect I've had too many sleepless nights after meets with nice gay men. (No, I still can't adequately explain that). Well it is a holiday after all. So...zzzzz....

Next day was spent at Cleland to see the kangaroos, koalas, wombats, tazmanian devils, emus, wallabies and googly eyed school kids. Terribly terribly spoilt bunch - they do nothing but laze around and wait for people to feed them (the kangaroos, not the school kids!). Actually, everyone and every fuzzy wuzzy's a little lethargic in autumn. The roos give you the sort of sleepy eyed look akin to "Hmmm? More food? Okay, maybe I'll have some more..."

Had dinner with family and friends and relatives that night, and the next day I was watching "Kiss Me Kate" with my grandma. It was okay I guess, apart from the generous amounts of scantily clad women and themes of women's obedience (Me: "Isn't this show a litle sexist?" Mum: "It's VERY sexist. There were right ups."). I wrote most of this blog during the intermission, pen and paper. And there's nothing like traveling to remind oneself that real people around here aren't as glam as those on tv. But I already knew that. (Hot guys? The audience was 95% composed of senior citizens...)

I confess, I'm distracted. I'm not really focused on this trip. Instead of concentrating on the relatives in front of me, my mind keeps wandering to other people. Even mum's noticed...okay, actually mum always notices when I'm acting "blur".

And this morning I ate dim sum. Have I ever lamented on how much I hate dim sum? I don't like the smell, I don't like the portions that I can't plan (I plan how much I eat to make sure I get enough of everything. Yeah, wierd but thin people who don't like to eat have to do such things or melt away), and not forgetting that the stuff literarily makes me feel ill. Right in the stomach. Which makes the smell even more unbearable. Is it the oil? I dunno. Just keep it away from me, thanks.

Monday, May 15, 2006


I've been reminded (by my mum, who else?) that I'm a very fortunate person. Since I've started working, I've started to agree with this. Hey, lots of things go wrong in life. Some are through some fault of your own, some are not. I guess the fact that so and so did not happen to me (when it's conceivable that it could) is already good enough reason to be considered fortunate.

So how do I describe a perfect two days of meeting pleasant people and really enjoying myself in sheer basking in the presence of new and semi-new friends, people I liked a great deal? Suffice to say it was good. Very good.

My car cd changer jammed while I waited to go into Paul's place to see Ru and Leggy again, as he had to make a quick stop somewhere else. Okay, that's really irritating, but easily dealt with. One of those things I'll just fix when I get back from my early visit to Oz for my grandpa's birthday. Til then I'll be at the whims and mercy of Malaysian radio. Oh, joy.

Then there's the toilet incident. So literarily full of crap is my body that Paul's poor toilet couldn't take it all down. I swear, Paul's household has some sort of vendetta against me. I can't seem to stop messing it up somehow when I'm there. (Yes Paul, I fixed it up. That's why I took so long to come out. I'm sorry I didn't feel like mentioning it right then and there)

And I thought up most of this blog post while I had lost my way after travelling back from Paul's place to my own. Again. Actually that's happened on every outing of this nature so far. Woohoo.

It's like some sort of karma thing. I can't just have things go right all the way. *Something* has to go wrong.

Etch. I can't complain really. I've just realised that I'm incredibly lucky to meet these guys. And how? Blogging.

I've tried many profile and dating sites, but to my dismay I've only usually attracted attention of the wrong kind. If it isn't people only looking to fluff their egos with popularity points (hearts, kisses, spanks, whatever), it's people asking for ONS. Many of these people claim they actually *want* a long-term lover. What a way to look for it.

So far, blogging's the only means by which I'm able to mantain a distant conversation and friendship with someone before I meet them. Conversations with the few people I try to make friends with through profiles just don't last. Probably because I'm not a part of their lives and know hardly anything about them.

My original plan was to use these profile sites and gather the gay men somehow into a group of friends that meet up often. Love and the like can come later, once I get to know them better. It didn't work. But I didn't have to coordinate all that after all- bloggers already meet up in groups.

Did I mention the fact that I'm very fortunate?

So far, everytime I meet a group of PLU friends for a significant amount of time, I won't be able to sleep that night. I don't expect tonight to be any different. I haven't actually figured it out, actually. But I can't complain.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Little Bunny Hop Hop Hop

Alex is trying to send you a file.
23 - Four Folk Song Upsettings (S.4)- Little Bunny Hop Hop Hop.mp3


Mrbunnyban: ....
Mrbunnyban: little bunny hop hop hop?
alex: a parady of classical music folk songs
alex: parody

You have received 1 file from alex.
23 - Four Folk Song Upsettings (S.4)- Little Bunny Hop Hop Hop.mp3
Open (Alt+Shift+O)

Mrbunnyban: mwah
alex: eh
alex: very fast net ah
Mrbunnyban: cool
Mrbunnyban: oh my god!
Mrbunnyban: it's so cool!
alex: it's a parody
Mrbunnyban: i don't care, it's the best of what you've sent me so far!
Mrbunnyban: heeheehee
alex: aiyo <---- fan of classical and folk
Mrbunnyban: wahaha!
Mrbunnyban: oh my god, i can kiss you!
Mrbunnyban: *muacks!*
Mrbunnyban: it's so cute!
alex: it's a parody!!!!
Mrbunnyban: it's going on my playlist, definately
Mrbunnyban: it's excellent!
alex: (straight face smiley /:) )
Mrbunnyban: i gotta put this one on my blog
alex: was talking about it with ST this morning...
alex: i'm so sure u like it
alex: but it's a parody
alex: just for a good laugh
Mrbunnyban: it's better than the real thing!
Mrbunnyban: woooook!


No, I can't put it up. It's copyrighted you know. But you can ask me for it personally via e-mail. Ah, the ways the legal system works. Hehe.

Sunday, May 07, 2006

Leaving on a jet plane

I'm leaving in July for Oz, as noted earlier. Already we've started preparing the new teachers to take over my students. Some are really tough to pass over, as the kids dislike unfamiliar people and some have moderately severe autism. It doesn't help that the teachers are new and we didn't have time to really train them properly due to lack of manpower and time. Yeah, the sudden resignation of one of our senior staff was a real blow.

Is it any suprise that my mind nowadays is about arrangements for going over? Somehow the passing over of my students have taken out some of my sense of responsiblity for them - I'm not as motivated at work. This disturbs me slightly, but then I am leaving soon. I guess it comes with the whole leaving thang.

Working in this center for special kids, working with colleges and parents of different backgrounds, watching office politics fly around even in an organisation like this - this place has really taught me a lot of things. In a field like this in a small town like Melaka, everybody's got their own opinion on how to teach a skill, discipline a child, counsel a parent. Shall I tell the parent that autism is incurable right away? Or shall I leave out that detail and just leave it as "can be improved with training"? There's no clear answer - different people can take in different information at different parts of their lives.

I'm glad I had the chance to work here. I've even learnt a bit more about myself through this work. Where the rest of my colleges have been at loggerheads, I've found myself able to get along with everyone and pacify some of the hotheads. That comes from practise in my family, working with difficult people. So that's plus points for future relationships. I've confirmed that I'm horribly forgetful, thus countermeasures must be put up in the future. I now know I tend to focus on a single task at a time - so I can warn those who I work and realate with about it.

I've gained so much from this place. But it's time to move on - I won't be coming back to work in this center once I leave. I'd be overqualified and they wouldn't be able to pay me. Assuming I make it through the course. I intend to help them now and then, but my focus after I stop work will to get into the reading groove again and prepping to go.

All the best.

Monday, May 01, 2006


Now this may strike you as odd, but I've only recently come to appreciate the meaning of this word. It's not that unusual - it's just that I didn't really understand why the term was used when people talked about the love of money. Money is money is money, what did that have to do with materials? You see, it just didn't occur to me that people like using money to buy stuff. And when they want money, they actually want to be able to buy more stuff. And own more stuff. Fancy that.

Goes to show what went into my upbringing. I'm a really lucky person.

Let's not talk about gay men being materialistic here. The whole country is becoming more materialistic. Is it a part of capitalism that we've inherited or modernisation?

I attended a talk on volunteerism and how proper organization on the NGO’s part can drastically improve the services provided. Somewhere along the way, the audience deviated to how the used to volunteer in their schooling days. We were talking about how the world is changing, people becoming more selfish. Even the minister wants to shake the hand of the student who scored 17 As - Not the students who volunteer help most often, as they put it.

Competitive. Efficient. The world has always placed importance on these traits, and even schools, but not to this extent.

I think the different environment is to blame here and I’m talking what economy, not ecosystems. In my opinion, the world itself has changed, and thus the people have changed with it. There’s simply more ‘better things’ in life to enjoy, more things that people want. Digital cameras, hand phones, medical services, maids, branded clothes, DVD players, computers, yadda yadda. Air-conditioning for example really rare was around when I was a kid – nowadays its commonplace in many households. Makes sense due to the hot weather I guess, but people are more willing to spend their money too. Thing is, there’s so many more things that money can buy, but how much more are people earning in proportion to that nowadays? Not nearly as much. The gaps of standards of living between the people with the money to buy these things and the people without is so much bigger. People therefore are more than willing to break car windows for a hand phone for example.

The modern world is getting more complicated. How fast can humanity adjust to these changes? How will the ‘kolot’ nations like Malaysia fare, whose ministers still openly declare all women who wish to divorce as 'gatal'?


kolot - backward, (socially?) undeveloped

gatal - promiscious