In another moment down went Alice after it, never once considering how in the world she was to get out again.

Thursday, March 30, 2006

Nightmares and heritage

Obviously I'm a little more worried about my application then I realised. I had a nightmare about missing the bus to the airport and was about to miss my flight to Oz. Yes, the *bus*. A freaking bus that would take me all the way from Melaka directly to KL International Airport (KLIA). I woke up from my disturbed rest tired, groggy, and a little annoyed.

Why can't dreams be a little bit sensible?

-------

Progress so far...

1. Money management - This is looking good so far. Surprisingly easy to ease myself into the whole business of researching and decision making, what with all the support in the family. I had left this alone for most of my life, concentrating on my job. So I'm pretty relived it isn't as monumental a task as I thought it would be. But I can say good bye to little pleasures like computer gaming. Eh, somehow it's lost its draw anyway.
2. Cooking - lessons by an extremely talented aunt every weekend. Well, she's not really my aunt but she's known the family for 5 generations so she practically is. :) I'll ask her to make it another day so I can go to KL sometimes on weekends.
3. Social - Not toooo bad. Still need to get out more, but chat is helping this out quite a bit. :)
3. Chores - Eh, this can be practised while I'm staying by myself in Oz. Shouldn't be a problem once I'm dumped into it.
4. ??? - Eh, this can wait anyway.
5. Grooming - As recommended by a friend. How much does the first impression count for? Quite a lot it seems, much to my dismay. Blargh. Bad news for me, "the epitome of selekeh" as my mum calls me. So gotta look after my image now. Hair, shave, skin, and shop for clothes. Oh, what joy.


On the last note, I've been noted to not shop much. Like, ever. Looking at my family, it isn't hard to see why. My grandpa buys the most economical tissue paper in packs of 8 boxes, searches for the cheapest parking, refuses to use another bank's ATM due to the RM2 charge, basicaly stingy. That trait didn't fail to be passed down to my mother (in *spite* of the fact she likes shopping), and to me and my brother. Heck, I couldn't bear to buy anything but the cheapest pair of servicable slippers from Tesco (RM5) years ago which I still wear to this day, and glare at prices everywhere in horror. Hey, it's part of the family heritage. At least it'll be easy to mantain myself in the future. :)

Sunday, March 26, 2006

Traditonal families (2)

Mini update. Remember that Indian traditinoal family I and my college visited here? After shedding some tears, the family did some serious thinking and decided to lighten the mother's burden by hiring a maid. It's a financial burden to the family, but the mother has more time to spend with her autistic boy, although he still is more than a handful to handle. Besides that, she seems genuinely happier and less tired nowadays.

Well, it's a start. That's why people need to be given a chance. :)

Saturday, March 25, 2006

Shaping up

I've lead a charmed life. Men around here aren't really taught how to manage a household. Or how to prepare themselves for bachelorhood. Even then, I guess I've had it a little too easy.

I probably won't have enough time to be blogging much from now on. If I am, well, stop me. I should be looking through the papers, learning up how to manage money. It's gonna take awhile before I'm any good at that, but fortunately I'm surrounded by many who are very good at that. There's lots of things to learn and master before the day is up, but I'll start here. That and the cooking lessons I'm going to take. But anyways, if you want to contact me, there's e-mail, the chatbox on the side, and my phone number for those who know it. :)

The plan? Simple, difficult in execution, but attainable and definite. Build up myself until I'm confident to raise a kid on my own. That means handling all the responsibilities for myself and at least one growing child. That's going to take a long time no doubt, but it's a very plausable goal. From there, whoever I choose to live with will have to be good for the kid. Actually having the kid at the time makes self-enforcing such a decision easy. And if there's no one suitable or willing to commit or who wants me or who wants my kid, then so be it. I'll do it solo if need be - but I won't be alone at the end of the day.

Of course, right now I've got to concentrate on getting there. I'll need to grow up, and then some. Oh well. Age isn't too much of an issue here, at least.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Concrete Thoughts

I've found a good way to deal with myself. Sorta. I'm thinking through what I really want from my partner. What I really want to do with my life. What I can do to achieve it. My odds of success. How I must improve myself.

I want kids. Somehow. Not even sure how that is possible in Malaysia. So I have to start finding out how. Start looking for people like me who've already paved the way- here, in Malaysia. Planning. Learning to manage responsibilty myself. Manage my money. I'll relearn how to manage household chores easily enough when it's dumped on me when I live by myself in Australia. But the money...that'll take time. And practise.

So, my partner will need to be someone who also wants kids. That and can be depended on to be a stable partner and a good father. A stable man, who can anticipate the problems and stand by me during the storms that is being two gay dads in a backwater (human rights-wise) country like Malaysia. (Harsh? Malaysia chose not to recognise a good deal of the UN list of human rights. Things like religious freedom and freedom of speech were rejected). A man of good ethics, someone who I can trust to help me bring up my children.

What about me? Do I make my own qualifications to fulfill my own dreams? Am I even ready for such a relationship? No, not yet. But that can change. Slowly. One day, I'll grow into it if I keep building myself.

In the mean time, we'll all age in body and mind. Once everyone's more settled, they'll be more candidates. In the mean time, I can grow up too.

Well, at least as a result of all these thoughts I'm not desperado anymore. This is going to take a lot of time.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Fragmented thoughts

I'm on a self introspection spree. For a person that already spends a lot of time thinking things through, that means I'm really spending many of my waking hours in thought. My workmates haven't failed to pick this up since I'm basicly distracted whnever I'm not right in the middle of work. And yeah, looking really tired.

Haven't picked up a game in quite a while. I spent more time making up sounds for the Adventures of the Warf Magician than actually playing - somehow, the draw of computer games is wearing off on me. Imagine that.

Basicaly, I'm setting aside goals. Trying to figure out what I'm doing wrong, what I'm doing right. Making plans, trying to find out what I want and how to go about it. Even my brother has gotten into the act of advising me lately ever since he started reading about my recent troubles in my blog (he's had a lot of experience, but isn't naturally gifted with social skills).

So yeah, difficult to describe in a few paragraphs what's been going through my head. Maybe I'll release bits and pieces slowly.

Saturday, March 18, 2006

Oh brother

My brother has found my blog. For one, his com's busted and he's using my laptop which has a link to it in my 'favourites' in internet explorer. But statcounter.com provided me with reason to believe he had found it much earlier via google. It had to be him. Only he would google such a thing.

Yes my dear brother, I knew it long before you showed me that googling 'Woggle's backside' picked up my blog instantly. Stop reading my blog you snoop. You're behaving like mum.

I did so *want* to write a blog about my relationship with my brother. We're really close for many reasons, not least because of all the tribulations we had to go through together. Same goes for mum. And I did want to go on and on about how he's a bad influence on me (next time I behave and talk like a jerk, I blame HIM! ;p ), but seeingas how he's reading this I'd better not.

Yeah, I love my brother. :)

----

What I *can* do is talk about some of the advice he threw at me outta nowhere.

Bro: You should get out more. Blogs really aren't an efficient way to socialise.
Me: Uh huh, ho hum (you don't know anything)
Bro: Stop shutting me out.
Me: Fine. Explain getting out more often.
Bro: People meet people by meeting friends of friends. You should be getting to meet friends of gay guys you know, not spending many hours blogging and reading blogs.
Me: Okay, I can accept that. But I'm already trying to do that. I'm trying to meet friends of fellow bloggers. Blogs can act something like profiles too, only without the cheap heart exchanges.
Bro: I thought you meet your gay friends solo?
Me: With my friends in KL I tend to meet in groups. Not enough many Melaka friends, so it's all solo. So far. None of them are gracious enough to intro me to who they know. ( I think I'm guilty of this myself actually. :p )
Bro: Another thing - guys your age? Usually it's the girls in the relationship that are looking for commitment. Correct me if I'm wrong, but no gay guy is looking for a long term relationship at your age, only past thirty. It's no wonder you're getting rejected if all they wanted was casual relationships.
Me: Well, they all claim to be looking for serious relationships.
Bro: Anyway, you should be looking for casual relationships yourself. Start going to gay bars and the like. No, wait, you don't drink...
Me: That isn't the problem. I can drink soft drinks.
Bro: Exactly.
Me: Thanks anyway, bro.

I didn't tell him I was getting rejected by guys who really did want serious relationships. Now you know, bro.

As you can tell, he's definately been reading my blog. >:(

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Confrontation

WARNING: Unfortunately, this short story has no conclusion. But that doesn’t mean it has to end where I’ve stopped writing. Come on everyone, join the fun! Post up a summary of your own conclusion to this confrontation.

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The burning heat from the sun beat down on James as he stepped out of his car. His spectacles immediately misted up from the difference in temperature between the air-conditioned interior of his car and outside. He took them off and gave them a quick wipe before closing his car door behind him. He looked about through, seeing a .

James whipped out a card in his shirt pocket, adjusting his tie. The address matched the little sign on the road. It looked like the right place all right. Time to make himself welcome then.

--------

A young Malay man walked into the house, his tanned copper skin glistened with sweat. It was a hot day. He had just come back from reporting losing his identity card earlier that day. He would have ridden his bike there, but his right arm was in a cast. That wouldn’t have stopped him riding around the village normally, but riding to the police station on bike with one arm was asking for trouble. So he had to walk.

He wasn’t in a good mood. He walked straight into the house, heading for the kitchen. He was dying for a drink.

“Mak, I’m home,” Mazlan said as he walked in. On the kitchen table there was a jug of Sarsaparilla cordial and two cups on a tray. “Hey, is all this for me?”

His mother sighed and shook her head. “Don’t be silly. Take those out for our guest. Can you handle it with one hand? Good. Be nice now, he found your identity card.”

“Great timing,” Mazlan said before stealing a quick drink of refreshing cordial, then brought out the tray with drinks.

Mazlan should have put two and two together by now and realized who his guest was, but he didn’t have tie to think about it. He puzzled about it briefly as he carried the tray out and was quickly rewarded with a good look at the mysterious guest who he had walked right by earlier without noticing.

Mazlan nearly had a heart attack right there and then. He dropped the tray in his hand, and the guest rushed forward very suddenly to help. Mazlan yelped back in surprise when James nabbed the falling tray and the jug of cordial out of the air.

“Are you boys alright?” came the voice of Mazlan’s mother from the kitchen.

“Your boy nearly dropped the drinks. Would have been a pity, I’m pretty thirsty,” James replied down the corridor, grinning.

“Be more careful,” Mazlan’s mother said as she walked out, propping up her handbag over her shoulder. She was relieved to see James had saved the cordial wand was now placing it on the table as her son looked on in amazement. “I’ll leave you boys alone now, since you wanted some privacy. I’m going to aunt Kan's house, don’t bother calling me back until 6 o’clock. Dinner is on the kitchen table.”

Mazlan turned around and was about to say something to his mother as she left. But a firm hand had come down on his shoulder.

“Please, have a seat,”James offered, “I really don’t think you’ll want your parents listening to our conversation, but it’s up to you.” And he sat down.

Reluctantly, Mazlan took a seat on the chair furthest from his guest, and hid himself behind his cup of cordial.

James allowed the boy a moment of peace to calm himself down. Besides, he wanted drink too – he was parched.

A minute of silence passed. Eventually James, broke it. “How’s the arm?”

Mazlan’s eyes peered over his cup. It was empty some time ago. “Why are you here?”

Not bothering that Mazlan hadn't answered his question, James flicked out Mazlan’s identity card from his pocket and tapped it on arm of the chair. “I thought you’d want it back.”

He didn’t come all the way here to just hand it back. Mazlan was sure of that. “Thank you. Please leave it and go."

James smiled as he sipped some cordial. “Sure. After you answer me a simple question. I did come all the way here to return this to you, after all.”

And here it comes. Mazlan braced himself, still clutching his cup between himself and James. “What?”

James took his time to sip, not responding immediately. Once he had finished his drink, he put down his empty cup and sat forwards. The smile was gone. “Why did you do it?”

The boy was silent. How was he supposed to answer such a question?

“Don’t worry, I won’t break your other arm. I just wanted to know why you and your friends did this.”

Mazlan maintained his silence, thoughts rushing through his head like a hornet’s nest. But no words came out. His face was as grim as ever, but the truth was on the inside he was confused. He really didn’t know what to say.

James tapped the identity card on the arm chair impatiently and glared at Mazlan fiercely.

“I’ll repeat this question only once more. Why did you and your friends attack us?”

A few days ago, after James and his boyfriend were attacked by a group of men armed with sticks and motorcycle helmets. They begged for their lives but the group couldn’t be dissuaded. Once the violence started however, James’s protective instincts took over. After dealing with the men, he took their identity cards and left the scene with his shocked boyfriend.

Since then James had broken up with his boyfriend. The trauma of witnessing the violence was too much for the poor guy. James didn’t really blame him. But that didn’t placate his anger.

Perhaps that was why James was here. What he sought to accomplish however, even he didn’t know. What could he possibly want from one of his would-be attackers?

As James’s stare bore holes into him, Mazlan shuddered in fear. He was alone now, and unarmed. He had better give the angry man an answer…

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Young

As the saying goes, the more you know, the more you know nothing at all. Now I understand why people tell me I'm very young and inexperienced.

I actually only accepted myself as I am a few years ago. But already I've quickly dashed a number of possible decent relationships. And the fault was always my own, be it through my uncertainty,desperation, lack of empathy, coming on too quickly, coming on too softly, lack of control over desires, or even low self confidence.

I have little idea how to go about relationships. In my teenage years I only dated one person, and that was a girl I never loved but tried so hard to. I'm like a kid with crushes on his teacher, telling her that he can't live without her. How quickly to move? How to accomodate for the other person? How to communicate? These are things should have been tried, failed and resolved long ago - not in one's twenties. I'm way over the age of responsibilty. But can I say I know how to be responsible for myself now? No, I can't.

There's a certain lack of guidance for gay men and women. When we are still in our teenage years, our parents usually start instilling in us their values over relationships and sex. Tried and true methods over eons, suited for cultural context between a man and a woman.

But so many things don't work anymore once you're gay. There are so many things our parents never prepared us for, never anticipated. You must learn to hide yourself, and in the same way a possible partner will be hidden from you. You can't meet your future partner in day-to-day living. You will not meet at school or most likely you will not have resolved your identity yet. You must actively seekout other people like yourself. You must deal with the scarcity of gay , and the even greater scarcity of gay men who have any idea what they're doing with their lives. I'm not one of them, sadly.

So what now? I'll be twenty six this year. That's one third of my life. Yet I have little idea how to carry myself through.

I'll look for friends then. Friends and counsel. To put it optimistically, I have another two thirds of my life to get it right. Hopefully by then it won't b to late to pursue my dreams.

But at least I know to step carefully now and admit my own inexperience. That's a step.

Sunday, March 12, 2006

Do it like a rabbit

This seems to be coming up often enough. So time to explain my quandry, methinks.

One of the problems with falling from grace is after so many years is to find one's footing in morality again. Thankfully, I've found I've hadn't had to change much of myself - if it came to that I would be more than a little annoyed. A big part of the point of making this 'choice' is choosing to be myself. And being gay will not be my main identifier, thanks.

Haven't had to change much though does imply the need for some adjustments. What I believe about sex before marraige, for example. That used to be a very strict point in my faith, to the point that even today I can't help but cringe at times when a person starts talking about cruising or playing around.

Obviously, I can't marry my man. So what is my stance on sex now? Between lovers only? Between friends? Anytime, anywhere, anyone? It hasn't been very long since I accepted myself for who I am (maybe 4 years), so I haven't fixed this yet. Adjusting my stance on this matter seems a widdle bit skewed when...well. Let me iterate this in another way.

Before:
Me thinking to self while looking at pretty girl: .oO( For the love of god, try to dredge up some interest! Get a hold of yourself!)

Now:
Me thinking to self while looking at gay guy: .oO( For the love of god, stop thinking of having sex with him! Get a hold of yourself!)


Most of my life I've been trying to actually find my missing libido - now I'm partial to cage it up and stow it away.


Nooooooo! Lemme out! I promise to be good...in bed! =:3



- I know that once I'm hooked up with someone, I'll want monogamy. (or at least any sex must involve me and my partner...though 'extras' may be worked in sometimes. ;) ) That's because I want a stable household - yeah, I haven't given up the dream of kids yet. Anyway, until then, what do I allow myself? Only "self- service", or other sources?

- Cruising? Probably not since I'm a Hepatitis B carrier. Won't even risk kissing a guy unless I know they're immune. And playing the field isn't safe anyway, my own disease is a case in point. Hell, the very idea makes me uncomfrotable, end of story.

- Sex between friends? My moral compass (or what's left of it) doesn't actually have a problem with this. But there's a slight problem. Here's how my first date went:

First date:
Guy: Hello!
Me: Hello!
Guy: Sex?
Me: No.
Guy: Yes.
Me: No.
Guy: Yes.
Me: No.
Guy: Yes.
Me: Fine! Yes!

Every other time henceforth:
Me: Hello!
Guy: Hello!
Me: Sex?
Guy: *Again?*
Me: Yes.
Guy: No.
Me: Yes.
Guy: No.
Me: Yes.
Guy: Fine! Yes!


In the end I sorta scared the guy away. Didn't even have much opportunity to get to know each other. So yeah, maybe sex between friends isn't such a good idea unless the other party can control me. But if that control is through avoidance, I'd just *die*. I'm starved for social contact with guys, remember?

But maybe, just maybe, after I've had *enough* sex, my drive will taper down a little.

...

Damn, I think that's my head between my legs talking again.

Saturday, March 11, 2006

Deserted Island

I've just realised that I can't stay in my job in the long run. Actually, I love my work. Really I do. There's not much work like it, something I feel I'm good at. Somewhere I feel I'm doing something for people.

But the total lack of contact with peers even remotely close to my age is killing me. The only people I meet are anxious mothers, troublesome kiddies and colleges old enough to be called "auntie". I feel as if I've been living on a deserted island for the last 3 years. The feeling isn't good.

Back in high school, I'd go to class and sit around quietly mingling, moving between cliques. That was enough. Just being in the presence of peers and listening and watching them them was enough social contact for me. I was perfectly happy with that. I don't need very much contact to keep going.

I've found that I've exhausted my supply of friends I can spend time with, all too soon. My old classmates are busy establishing themselves in their carreers, building their relationships with their wives who will eventually become their spouses, and saving for kids. Any time left for friends would be for those who are closest - in the end, those friends will be the ones they spend the most time with; their work mates.

I had a small glimpse of what I had been missing the past years recently in KL. Chatting, joking, talking, just hanging - without the big age gaps. I really miss that, all of it. Frankly, couple that with my rabbit-style libido which I've just discovered (to my utter horror), I'm going nuts.

-----

I guess later is now. :p

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

E-mails, e-mails - part 3&4

Whee, just came out of a blue funk/panic attack, but I'm fine now. Now to plaster myself with some saccharine! This rabbit I just got should do the trick...

...Damnit, this rabbit is starting to freak me out. Stop, cease, desist!

Gah! Excited rabbits mean one of two things. Predator (run, run, run!), or...

--------

As promised, the two final parts to the final batch of e-mails.


--------
Dear MrBunnyBan,
TQ v much 4 yr reply ... sarcasms ('I'd give you the whole run through of the logic, but the fact is, you're smart enough to figure it out yourself') ... allegations ( 'if you're not biased. Which, sad to say, you are') ... and all.

May i reiterate once more - i'm not out to convince you re my point of view - i can see u've already made up yr mind. but since u thot i would b interested to know abt yr point of view .... and presumably what i thot [re d website u forwarded me] ... i volunteered to respond with mine. so i'm not trying to persuade / argue / change / ... can't find d right word .... so there's no need to b defensive .... or offensive as i said - for whatever it's worth ... if u r willing to 'listen' - pl do - if not - just ignore ....

but u R right in pointing out abt my ridiculous notion re 'choice', wh i'd better clarify ... by choice here, i mean choosing to live a homosexual lifestyle ... choosing to indulge in homosexuality .... homosexual acts ... i don't mean at all we choose 2 b born gay, much as we can't choose 2 b born into a certain family, with certain traits, etc., etc., .... what i meant by CHOICE here is choosing not to sin by abstaining from homosexual acts...

u R absolutely right - 'Straight people can be promiscious too you know, only they often do it while they're married'' - won't dispute that .... wh is y , for me, d whole issue is NOT abt being 'born' gay or straight .... but about CHOOSING to obey God .... the straight .... can, and often do, CHOOSE to go crooked .... for me, the sin is NOT in being gay - it's choosing to sin against God by indulging in gay acts ... gay lifestyle ...

the straights are NOT one bit better off ... they face temptation to sin ALL d time ... they CHOOSE to sin in 'heterosexual' ways [or bisexual ways] .... whether we label it adultery, fornication, sexual immorality, etc., etc.

"Gay lifestyle? There's no such thing. ." - but y not? as much as the straight chooses to pursue a promiscuous lifestyle ....

for me (again, it's a personal opinion), d recent movement (particularly in the west and more liberal societies) towards being culturally and politically accepting of gays has stimulated a whole flurry of activities (research or otherwise) towards justifying a gay lifestyle. it's particularly interesting for me to note that the GLBT movement has run along almost similar lines as the Disability Rights movement .... (interesting how u drew an analogy re my being the parent of a special needs child) ...

Re the neurobiological bases of being 'born' gay - i certainly won't attempt foreclosure of the issue; even d experts are undecided; evidence ambiguous at best... it's political pressure that's attempting foreclosure and resisting further contestation of ideas ... since u talk abt honesty ... i hope u will likewise remain open ...

well, at d risk of sounding patronising (and i don't mean to be) ... i will stress again dat i have no problem associating with gays, loving them, or accepting them ... BUT i cannot condone homosexual acts... much as i cannot condone sex out of marriage ...

reminder: for whatever it's worth, .... my personal reminisces on a controversial issue .. NOT verbal ammunition ... to fire at d gay, or anyone, for that matter!

cheers,
VC

----------


VC,

Well, I wasn't being sarcastic. You are in a good position to understand better if you really wanted. Which was why I was disappointed and alleged that you were biased. You didn't catch the hints I was making? Nevermind then, unless you figure it yourself there's no changing your mind.

So anyway, gay lifestyle refers to what exactly? I'm sorry, but I'm just as against associating a certain way some gay people behave to 'gay lifestyle' as much calling 'straight lifestyle' that of getting married, having kids and having the extra-marital affairs on the side. Get my point?

" i certainly won't attempt foreclosure of the issue; even d experts are undecided; evidence ambiguous at best..." ...if that's the case, why do you seem so certain that we're not born the way we are? All you have to go on is what your faith tells you is right or wrong.

Muslims don't condone the eating of pork - guess what what you condone or not means to me in this context? Trust me, I'd LOVE to get married to a man. But seeing as how the church and law is against marraige between men, I guess we'll just have to have our relationship out of marraige that is recognises by the church and law. Whoopee. You do realise you've practicaly been telling me the only way I can choose not to sin is to be a completely asexual and seek no partner?

I'm sorry that I've been coming on very strongly about this topic, but don't forget I've been dealing with it for a long time. Hearing what you have to say is very frustrating, to say the least. I've just been trying to you and (Chairperson) a chance.

MrBunnyBan

---------

Ooook, a new quiz!

...damn these questions are weird

...oh no!

-------




You scored as Love Machine Cat. Look out! The love machine is on the loose. You might want to take off a night of permiscuity and go get your junk checked out. Nothing sadder than a cat with herpes.

Which Absurd Cat are you?
created with QuizFarm.com

-------

*dies*

Monday, March 06, 2006

Interlude (1)

The workmate who left, left me this.


"I hop, I wiggles my ears, and make a cute sound!"






Runs on the spot actually, and looks curiously excited. But... er... excited about what exactly?

...


Okay, you can cut it out Casanova. Seriously, stop that. You're making me nervous.




And also she left me this. But since she also gave me the present above, I'm willing to accept this.


A Don Moen praise and worship CD. Er, yay?

Sunday, March 05, 2006

E-mails, e-mails... part 2

My response to VC's e-mail.
-----
VC,

Well, that is your honest opinion. I can respect that. Although about the whole "choice" thing...I'm a little disappointed you came to such a ridiculous notion. Gay Christians like myself choose to follow "God's" way over and over only to find that God doesn't seem to want to change us. Do you know how long some people wait before they convince themselves that they're straight? Or how unsuccessful the
psychiatrists were to treat homosexuality before they gave up entirely and declared homosexuality not a mental disease? For what reason would we "choose" to doom ourselves to stigma from soceity and most likely life alone without a family?

Gay people are well aware that our actual chances of finding a life partner are absmally low, to say nothing about raising a family of our own. Those are things some of us dreamed of our whole lives, VC. Choice? More like shoved on my lap like a hot potatoe. It was the sheer frustration of fighting my orientation that strangled my faith to a slow death VC. Maybe I didn't try hard enough, eh? Or maybe didn't fight long enough?

By the way, how do you expect to someone who doesn't believe in God to respond to your religion's stance about homosexuality? There's nothing to say that what we are is wrong except your religion. Apart from what your religion tells you, there's no actual reason *NOT* to believe that we are born homosexual. You're pretty convinced that we've chosen to be the way we are, but, fact is, what reason do you have to think that? Why can't you take my word for it that it isn't, seeing as how
I'm the person who has experienced it?

To be honest, I don't expect them to find the 'gay gene'. You're a bio teacher VC and a parent of a special child - you should know that the actual gene doesn't need to be found before a symptom can be quite reasonably concluded to be strongly related to genes - you're barking up the wrong tree. Are you saying that nothing but absolute proof is going to convince you that we are born the way we are, when
nothing of the sort is needed for other reasonable conclusions?

I'd give you the whole run through of the logic, but the fact is, you're smart enough to figure it out yourself if you're honest enough to look for it. That is, if you're not biased. Which, sad to say, you are.

MrBunnyBan

ps Gay lifestyle? There's no such thing. Straight people can be promiscious too you know, only they often do it while they're married.

-----

I think I came on a little harsh here, but frankly I wasn't in the mood for it after thinking through my mum's nonsense. I catually have a lot of respect for my chairperson and vice chairperson for all the work they put into running the place I work in, but that only makes me a little more frustrated. I'll post up VC's response to this and my second response later - my second response ended the e-mails.

Thursday, March 02, 2006

E-mails, e-mails, e-mails...

Remember me throwing the gauntlet to my Chairperson? Unfortunately I sent the link to the Vice Chairperson as well, from henceforth referred to as 'VC'.


------
Dear MrBunnyBan,
Sorry, i haven't had time to read what u just forwarded to me. but if the title suggests what i think it suggests, .... then i'm going to respond with the following:

that God doesn't MAKE anyone gay ... despite what u may have read in the literature ... i maintain that there's more to suggest that there's no such thing as gay genes ... being gay is often one of will - one chooses to BE GAY ....

having said that, i assure u i have no prejudices against gays, or for that matter GLBTs (gay, lesbian,bi, trans)...i also have no problem loving them.. and saying that God loves them .... i just cannot condone the practice of it ..
not much different from saying GOd loves the sinner ... but not sin ...

at least one of my most respected Christian author is gay ... very spiritual ... very godly ... does not practice gay lifestyle ...i've been involved with counselling quite a number of gays - some of whom struggle to live a Christian lifestyle ..but also a number who choose gay lifestyle ... who tell me some of the gory details of their personal indulgences, ...like where they go to get their contacts, what they actually do, etc., etc., .....

like u, i was pretty caught up with the idea that some might possibly be BORN GAY .... that means - bcos i really felt for those i counselled - i could assure them that it is OK to be gay ... it's not their fault ...God made them gay ...

but for me, ... as i delve into the literature ... i also discovered that much of the earlier literature which purported to have discovered some GAY GENES (or something similar) have been questionable . . . some discredited .... I certainly DO NOT expect u to agree with my opinion (and it is only my personal opinion) ... although i would like to believe that i've done justice to d evidence so far ....
there's far more to suggest that one is gay by choice .. .

i would also like to think that i have understood a little of the struggle within ... as one [gay] writer puts it ...
I want a wife ... a companion ... a partner ... a lover ...someone to be intimate with ... to have sex with .... BUT i don't want a woman ... I want a man ....
which is out of the question ....

i think that depicts something of the struggle ... the dilemma within ... of course it's the picture of one who IS gay, but who does not want to practise it ... who struggles to obey God ...I can only say that i feel deeply for my gay friends / brothers ... who like everbody else, yearns for intimacy, ...emotional intimacy .... physical intimacy ... sexual intimacy ... BUT, in this case, with one of the same sex ....It's NO different from my yearnings as a heterosexual ...

In my deep empathy with some of my closest gay friends, i often feel as if life is so unfair to them ...why can't they fulfil their yearnings and desires like everybody else .....esp if they can find mutual consenting partners .....but i cannot justify that from the word of God ...and here again, if one is to maintain intellectual and theological integrity.....there's nothing in the Bible that can support practising a gay lifestyle ....the message is again - GOd loves the sinner - that includes the gay ...but He does not accept sin ... or gay practice ....

Forgive me, MrBunnyBan, if u've heard this over and over again ... sorry if i seem to be sermonising ...they are my personal opinions ... but u might like to reflect on them too, for whatever they're worth ..i didn't conjure those opinions overnight ...i certainly am not into gay bashing ...as i said- some of my closest /most respected ... are gay ...

keep in touch - i'm on gmail as well - as u might have noticed ...

VC

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Big Rant

I can't believe she pulled this on me. I hate it when the people I love most do these things to me because I'm the person they love most.

I will NOT become my father. My father played with people's lives and used them to serve his own. I will NOT do that to another person. I AM better than that.

She wants grandchildren? Three sons, one too fussy, one mentally slow, one gay. Yes, I feel for you mum.

Guess what? I want children! Why on earth have I stayed in this job that nobody wants, surrounding myself with children in need? She KNOWS I want children. She KNOWS I want a family. SHe KNOWS I wanted a home, a household! Because it was she who brought me up, who gave me these dreams.

Huh, I think much faster than I type.

I can't believe she pulled this on me. She's just pulled out forgotten dreams that I forsake from the corners I've tried to hide them. Dreams that I held dear to my heart, dreams that I assumed were there easily to be taken at my leisure when I was young. Dreams I kept as simple as possible so there was minimal chance of them being broken. Dreams of a happy family, people to care and strive for. Dreams that I fought with and chained in anguish in the deepest dungeon of my heart, never to be seen again. She's released these dreams on me again.

How can she pull this on me! I can't do this thing she's asking of me. I can't. No, I've already tried it, toying with the heart of a woman. I was young and naive, but even then it's something I have to live down. How can she expect this of me?

How can she ask such a thing from me?

My hands are shaking.

Oh, I'm just cold from the air-con. Figures.

Okay, too much mellow drama here. Enough!

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Am I really going to post this up? Oh, what the hell. It'll pass quickly people. I'm just using this place as a shouting board, without waking the neighbours so to speak.